


Filthy

by BetweenTheClouds



Category: Given (Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, M/M, Post-Break Up, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26153428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetweenTheClouds/pseuds/BetweenTheClouds
Summary: In an attempt to forget Mafuyu, Ritsuka enters into a sexual relationship that threatens to tear apart friendships.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki, Kashima Hiiragi/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Kashima Hiiragi/Yagi Shizusumi, Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 109
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

They were filthy. Still panting, Ritsuka yanked on his pants and ran a hand through his sweaty hair. He surveyed the scene in front of him. 

The man in front of him sat up, giving him a taunting smirk. His hair was sticking out in every direction, his face was flushed, and there was cum on his stomach and chest. Not to mention the bite marks near his nipples. Ritsuka kind of regretted leaving those now. “Leaving so soon?” he asked, smirking even wider. He playfully tugged on Ritsuka’s sleeve. 

Filthy.

Ritsuka slapped his hand away. “I have dinner plans. And I think we’ve practiced enough for today.” 

His companion stretched out his arms before getting up and retrieving his pants from on top of his guitar case. “Sure, sure. Are you gonna work me over this hard next week?” he asked, the stupid fucking smirk back on his face. Always. 

“No,” Ritsuka gritted out. All this raw talent was wasted on this guy. “Next week will be strictly music practice only. That’s why we book this room.”

“Hah. That’s what you said last week. And the week before that.”

Ritsuka sighed, trying to do up the buttons on his shirt as fast as humanly possible. “Whatever.” He glanced at the other guy, who still looked like a complete mess. “You should really clean yourself up.”

He stuck his tongue out at Ritsuka. “It’s your fault for cumming in me. I told you not to do that, but you did it again.”

“You’re the one who forgot to bring a condom,” Ritsuka retorted. He hastily swung his guitar case over his shoulder and ran to the door. “Music practice only next week,” he called over his shoulder. 

“I’ll definitely bring a condom next week!” The man called after him.

Ritsuka hurried down the hall. He didn’t want to be late. It was only dinner, but this was one of the few things he looked forward to these days. 

He didn’t get far before he saw a familiar figure walking towards him. He froze in place.  _ Shit _ . His heart rate sped up, and he forgot how to breathe for a second. 

He couldn’t be headed towards that room. What was he doing here? He never came here!

In a desperate attempt to save himself, he put on a cheerful mask and waved to the man. “Hey Shizusumi. It’s been a while!” He briefly wondered if he should stall for time, but as he saw Shizusumi take in his appearance, he knew it was a lost cause. Shizusumi’s eyes narrowed dangerously as he looked over at Ritsuka’s ruffled hair and buttons that were stuck in the wrong holes. He loomed over Ritsuka, glaring. He didn’t say a word. Ritsuka gulped. He felt like an insect under a microscope. Shizusumi could squish him under his shoe if he wanted to. 

But he didn’t. In the next instant, he turned and continued walking towards the door. Ritsuka’s heart started beating even harder.

_ What the hell is he doing? He knows there’s nothing good in there! Why? Why won’t he stop? What’s the point? _

Well, either way, there was nothing he could do about it. He gave up and started heading outside. He only hoped Hiiragi cleaned up at least a little before Shizusumi got there. 

Ritsuka shivered. He wished he brought a jacket. Seeing Shizusumi made him feel even lower than he did before. He was filthy. What kind of person does that? How did he become that kind of person?

He checked his watch. There was no time to shower before dinner. He would just have to use Haruki and Akihiko’s. 

* * *

“Whoa! What the hell happened to you?” Haruki exclaimed as Ritsuka stalked through the door. He was sweaty and flustered, and his face was bright red.

“I’m just gonna hop in the shower real quick!” Ritsuka said, ignoring the question.

Haruki huffed. “Fine. But we’re getting the whole story when you get out.”

In the end, the story came out. Well, a part of it. 

“Long story short, I hooked up with a guy, and his lover … Well, his  _ ex  _ lover, kinda caught us afterwards.” Ritsuka blurted out at the dinner table. He was blushing scarlet and playing with his hands in his lap to avoid looking at the other two. 

Haruki and Akihiko stared at him, at a loss for words. The story was so unlike the boy they knew, they couldn’t comprehend it.

“U-e-cchi,” Haruki chastised. Ritsuka couldn’t help but let out a little smile at the tone. Haruki still sounded like a mother. “That kind of lifestyle is no good. You sound like Aki from three years ago. Come to think of it, you always used to tell him off for that.”

Ritsuka gritted his teeth. He knew Haruki had a point, but he refused to admit it. “What’s wrong with letting off a little steam? I’m a free man, aren’t I?”

Haruki smiled at him sadly. “Wow, Mafuyu really did a number on you.” He immediately received an elbow to the ribs by Akihiko, which Haruki loudly protested. “What? It’s true!”

“He’s not a kid anymore. He’s 20 already!”

He didn’t really need a reminder of Mafuyu right now. Mafuyu was still lingering everywhere: on every surface, around every corner. If he let it in, it would consume him. 

But Ritsuka suddenly remembered something else about today’s encounter. Shizusumi was pissed, more pissed than he’d ever seen him. But he didn’t look all that surprised. Did he already know?

Did Mafuyu know?

He pushed that thought aside and focused on another one. “But, you know, there was something weird about it. The other guy, he knew he was going to walk into something he didn’t want to see. He already saw me. So why would he do that to himself?”

Akihiko smiled. He knew exactly what the guy was thinking. “I’ve been there before. He didn’t want to see it, but he had to confirm it.”  
  
“Confirm what?”

“That it’s over.”

“But it’s already over!” Ritsuka shouted. “It’s been over!” 

Akihiko shrugged, taking a gulp of beer. “Sometimes it’s not. You won’t know until you open the door.”

Ritsuka didn’t reply. He didn’t need confirmation to know it was over. He had been over with Mafuyu for two years already. But if it was possible to bridge that gap before, that possibility was destroyed three months ago. 

* * *

Given had already split up by this point. Partly because of him and Mafuyu, and partly because the members just wanted to try different things. The four of them still hung out sometimes. They played together once or twice after disbanding. But mostly, Ritsuka hung out with Haruki and Akihiko without Mafuyu. The three of them would get together and play once in a while. 

Haruki and Akihiko had just recently moved in together, officially. Although Akihiko had been practically living at Haruki’s the whole time. He saw Mafuyu briefly at the housewarming party, but not really after that. 

Without a band, Ritsuka was itching to find somebody to play with. Somebody to help his music grow. And he found that person in Hiiragi. So they began booking a place to practice together every Friday. Hiiragi still had his band, but he was looking for another outlet. Ritsuka didn’t understand what that outlet was, or why he needed it, until that day three months ago.

_ Ritsuka was confused at the sight in front of him as he entered the practice room for their third week of practice. Hiiragi was already there, but he hadn’t even bothered to set up his guitar or the microphone. Instead, he was sitting on the floor, drinking … beer? _

_ “What’s going on?” he asked. Without replying, Hiiragi looked up at him. There was something so vulnerable in his expression that Ritsuka couldn’t help but sit down beside him. Hiiragi was a person who never let his vulnerability show, so when he did, Ritsuka knew to stay quiet and listen.  _

_ As soon as he slid down the wall to sit next to him, Hiiragi handed him a beer. He took it wordlessly. They sat there in silence for a while, just drinking and staying in their own heads. After a while, Hiiragi started talking. “All these songs about love and shit … I don’t even know what part of it’s real anymore. Maybe I’ve just sold out to the masses.” _

_ “But you must have a lot of experiences in love, right?” Ritsuka asked carefully, glancing sideways at him. “I mean, you and Shizusumi have been dating for-” _

_ “We broke up.” _

_ “What?” Ritsuka stared at him in shock. “But how? You guys still play together, and you seem to get along fine!” _

_ Hiiragi smirked, but it was a tired one. “You know that small hiatus we took a few months back to ‘pursue other interests’? We just started playing together again this month. And now I have to see him almost every day.” _

_ “That must be hard.” _

_ “It’s heartbreaking,” Hiiragi grinned, but his voice cracked when he said it. _

_ Ritsuka still couldn’t wrap his head around it. “But Shizusumi’s a great guy. Why would you give that up?” _

_ Slowly turning to him, Hiiragi gave him a cold look. “He was the one who dumped me,” he said bluntly. _

_ “Oh.” Ritsuka should have left it at that, but he was already almost done his third beer and he pressed for answers. “But why? He was the most devoted guy I’ve ever met! He would do anything for you!” _

_ “Yeah well, things change.” Hiiragi gave a short, empty laugh. “People take things on that they can’t handle all the time. Like how Mafuyu thought he was ready for another serious relationship. Look how that turned out.” _

_ Ritsuka clenched his fists in his lap. “We’re not talking about Mafuyu right now.” _

_ Hiiragi glanced at him and smirked. “Now that you mention it, you never really talked about what happened with Mafuyu, did you? Or how you felt. But I guess you didn’t need to. It was written all over your face.” His smirk stretched and became almost sinister. He leaned in closer and whispered in Ritsuka’s ear.  _

_ “Will he ever love me more than he loves Yuki? Does he think about Yuki more than me? Will I ever be the first one in his heart?” _

_ Ritsuka grabbed Hiiragi’s collar. “Fuck you!” he hissed. Hiiragi’s eyes widened. He slipped a little and ended up sprawled on the floor, Ritsuka hovering above him. “You don’t know anything! You don’t know how I felt!”  _

_ That fucking smirk was back on Hiiragi’s face. He must have been drunk, because he thought the most appropriate action was to thrust his hips upwards and grind into Ritsuka.  _

_ And Ritsuka must have been drunk, because he grinded back. A part of him wanted to punch Hiiragi, and another part of him wanted to keep doing whatever this was. _

_ “You can take your anger out on me,” Hiiragi taunted. “I’ll even let you pull my hair.” _

_ Ritsuka’s hands, which were still gripping Hiiragi’s collar, trembled. Whether it was fury or anticipation, he didn’t know. All he knew was that he wanted all this pain, all this fear, all this uncertainty to be over. And maybe he found an exit sign.  _

_ The next instant, Ritsuka’s lips were on Hiiragi’s, desperate and aggressive. Filthy.  _


	2. Chapter 2

As he watched his two childhood friends eating across from him, Mafuyu wondered why he even came. To a passerby, they looked like a normal group of friends having fun and catching up. But to the three of them, it was all wrong. 

Something was off. Mafuyu had picked up on it a few months ago, but he chalked it up to them being busy and getting used to a new stage in life. He had decided to major in literature in university, along with keeping music as a side project. Hiiragi and Shizusumi were trying to balance their band’s ever growing success with completing university degrees as well. They were all busy and stressed, but they made time to get together about every two weeks. 

At first, these meetups were refreshing. His best friends were exactly what Mafuyu needed after an exhausting day of classes and his part-time job. But gradually, things began to shift. Mafuyu started to notice how Hiiragi’s hand, which used to always be on Shizusumi in some capacity, now reached for Shizusumi and stopped short. The looks between them, which were so intimate it used to make Mafuyu feel alienated, became less frequent. 

And then, one day Hiiragi noticed his confusion and laughed it off.  _ “Oh, me and Shizu broke up a while ago. Didn’t we tell you?” _

Even the awkwardness of a breakup wasn’t enough to stop their biweekly meetups. The three of them still showed up faithfully every time. As if they were the same as always.

But somehow, something shifted even more. It was so slight, so gradual, that Mafuyu didn’t even realize at first. He finally put his finger on what exactly it was at another dinner about a month ago. Hiiragi was acting  _ weird _ . 

Hiiragi had undoubtedly been the glue to hold them together after Yuki’s death. Hiiragi was the one who organized these meetups, and carefully chose new places every little while to keep things fun and exciting (their go-to place was a hole-in-the-wall ramen place, which they were currently eating at). But lately, it seemed to Mafuyu as if Hiiragi was overcompensating. He was acting more boisterous, more eager to share fun childhood memories (and less eager to talk about anything going on in the present). And he was being nice. 

Not that Hiiragi wasn’t nice. But he was more of a tough love, tell it like it is friend. These days, he gave out way too much support and compliments. Especially directed towards Mafuyu. Mafuyu definitely thought it was strange, but he didn’t dwell on it. 

Not until Shizusumi stopped by his house three days ago. Then suddenly the missing puzzle piece clicked into place. 

_ Hiiragi and Uenoyama-kun? That can’t be. Surely, Shizusumi got it wrong.  _

“Hey Hiiragi, did you get a chance to listen to the demo I sent you? I finished it in a hurry, so it’s still rough. But I wanted to know your thoughts,” Mafuyu gave Hiiragi a sweet, innocent smile and folded his fingers under his chin. 

The trap was set.

“Oh yeah!” Hiragi grinned. “It was awesome!” 

_ It was awesome.  _ Words like that simply did not come out of Kashima Hiiragi’s mouth. Mafuyu himself knew it was far from perfect, and somebody as skilled as Hiiragi would easily be able to tell that.

Mafuyu put a hand over his mouth involuntarily. It felt like getting punched in the gut. Even after the initial impact, a heavy weight landed in his stomach and stayed there. He knew at once that everything Shizusumi told him was true. 

Kashima Hiiragi wants to be forgiven. 

Mafuyu stared at his friend. All at once, rage bubbled up inside him. How long? How long was Hiiragi hiding from him?

Images of Uenoyama-kun and Hiiragi together found themselves in Mafuyu’s mind. Uenoyama-kun making faces he’s only ever made for Mafuyu. 

Shizusumi glanced at Mafuyu before getting up from the table. “I’m leaving,” he announced. By the time Mafuyu managed to break away from Hiiragi, Shizusumi was already halfway out the door. He must have paid earlier. 

Hiiragi slapped his hands on the table and grinned. “Well, that was fun! I’d better head back too. I have a huge paper to write!”

“Hiiragi.” 

Hiiragi’s head snapped up. Mafuyu’s voice was dangerously low.

“I need to talk to you. Outside.” Mafuyu’s eyes bored into him, his arms crossed.

Giving his friend a nervous smile, Hiiragi had no choice but to follow him.

Once they were outside, Mafuyu found he still had difficulty finding words to express his feelings. What words would perfectly fit the situation? After staring Hiiragi down for a while, Mafuyu just started with the first thing he could think of. 

“How would you feel if I fucked Shizusumi?”

Hiiragi spluttered in shock. After composing himself, he met Mafuyu’s eyes with guilt. “You wouldn’t, though.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Mafuyu could tell he regretted them. But it was too late.

Mafuyu’s expression darkened. “A few days ago, I would have said the same about you and Uenoyama-kun,” he replied. His voice was controlled and low, like it was lying in wait to pounce on Hiiragi.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Hiiragi turned away. “I’m sorry. I really am sorry. Look, it’s not something we did to hurt you. We were both in a bad place, and it just sort of happened.” Mafuyu snorted at his cliched wording. “And you’ve been broken up for a while now, so it’s not like …” He trailed off, realizing he wasn’t helping his case.

“So if we waited two years, you would be okay with me and Shizu fucking?” Mafuyu asked. Hiiragi’s silence gave him the answer he expected. 

Kashima Hiiragi wants to be forgiven.

More than anyone, he wants Mafuyu to forgive him.

Mafuyu can’t forgive him.

“You were the first person I told,” Mafuyu whispered, eyes fixed on the ground. “When I realized I liked somebody after Yuki, I told you about it before anybody.”

Hiiragi shifted uncomfortably. Clearly he didn’t know how to reply to that either.

“And you were the one who pulled him away from me,” Mafuyu said. 

At this, Hiiragi turned in shock. “What?” he demanded incredulously. 

“You pulled him into your band, and I hardly even saw him …” 

“Are you kidding me right now?” Hiiragi seemed to forget he was supposed to be asking for forgiveness. “ _ You _ were the one who pulled away from us-”

Mafuyu continued on as if he hadn’t spoken. “No matter how I look at it, all of this was because of you. You got Uenoyama-kun involved in your band, you took his music to places I couldn’t even hope to reach …”

“That’s not even true-”

“You got him to work on that song!” Mafuyu yelled. Hiiragi instinctively took a step back at Mafuyu’s raised voice. In all the years they had known one another, he could count on one hand how often he had heard Mafuyu raise his voice. 

In the end, it always comes back to that. 

* * *

Ritsuka working on Yuki’s song didn’t break them up, but it was the catalyst. It created a tiny crack in their relationship that eventually spread and took pieces away with it. 

Something changed in Ritsuka after that. He became even more involved with Hiiragi and Shizusumi’s band. Even when he was with Mafuyu, he was often lost in the clouds. And Mafuyu began to see that their relationship always had an expiration date. 

It wasn’t like their relationship was a complete downward spiral ever since Yuki’s song. They had plenty of happy moments too, moments that brought them closer. Mafuyu would always remember that rainy afternoon in his bedroom, when they had sex for the first time.

But Mafuyu began to see that there was something Ritsuka desperately wanted,  _ needed _ . And it didn’t seem like Mafuyu was able to give him that. 

_ “You’re the most important person to me, Mafuyu,” Ritsuka smiled, touching his boyfriend’s face tenderly.  _

_ Mafuyu leaned into his hand, giving him a sleepy smile. “And you’re the most important person to me too.” _

_ “Am I?” Ritsuka’s smile turned sad, but he still cradled Mafuyu’s face like his life depended on it.  _

Mafuyu didn’t know. 

Can two people be your most important person? Does it have to be just one?

All he knew is that if he couldn’t give Ritsuka what he needed, he had to stop.

_ “I really do believe I met the right person, just not at the right time,” Mafuyu said, grasping Ritsuka’s hand tightly in his. “I thought I was ready to have a future with you, but everything was just too soon. I think I just need time to find out who I am as a person. Apart from you or Yuki.” Ritsuka was crying silently, letting the tears fall down his face.  _

_ Mafuyu stepped closer and put his forehead against Ritsuka’s. “I’m so grateful to you for everything, Ritsuka. You helped me find my voice. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you needed.” He reached a hand out to catch his tears, and stroked his cheek lovingly. “I really do love you.” _

_ “And who knows? If we’re lucky, maybe we’ll find our way back to each other.” _

_ “I won’t wait for you,” Ritsuka responded shortly.  _

Well, Ritsuka was right about that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't think I'd update this soon, but I have so many ideas about this story! There are so many directions it could go. I hope I kept Mafuyu in character. For me, he's the hardest to write. 
> 
> Next chapter will have Hiiragi/Shizusumi angst, and maybe more if I can fit it in.


	3. Chapter 3

Ritsuka gritted his teeth. The music wasn’t syncing up. Not only was the music not syncing up, but Hiiragi was making a bunch of mistakes. He was clearly preoccupied with something. His movements were jittery and he had bags under his eyes. It seemed like he decided to trade sleep for coffee. Ritsuka noticed how Hiiragi’s eyes kept drifting to the door. Then he would make another mistake. It was like fucking clockwork. 

“Stop, stop!” Ritsuka commanded. Hiiragi stopped and looked up at him, confused. “What’s with you today? I’ve never seen you make so many mistakes. Get it together!”

Normally, Hiiragi would rise to the bait and start arguing. Instead, he gave a nervous laugh and ran a hand through his hair. “Is it that bad? Sorry. A lot has happened this week.” 

Ritsuka sighed and put down his guitar. There was no helping it. He stood behind Hiiragi and wrapped his arms around him. “Wanna take a break? I’ll be gentle today,” he whispered in the blonde’s ear. At that moment, he realized this is the first time he’s initiated. It was always Hiiragi who wanted to fuck. 

Hiiragi flinched from his touch and moved away. “Ahh, I didn’t bring anything today. Sorry. Maybe next time!” He gave Ritsuka a forced grin. 

“Okay …” Ritsuka responded, confused. Did Hiiragi just flinch from him? “Well, do you want to talk about it, at least? If it’s affecting your music this badly …” 

“Ummm, I think I’m just going to go home for today. Sorry practice was such a disaster. Next week I’ll be in top form!” Hiiragi responded, not meeting Ritsuka’s eyes. Ritsuka watched as Hiiragi packed up his stuff at top speed and rushed out of the room.

Watching Hiiragi go, he felt strangely empty. “What the hell was that?” he muttered to himself. Well, whatever. If Hiiragi was content to let his music suck, that was his problem. Ritsuka wasn’t going to stop him. 

_ One Week Ago _

Standing in the middle of the practice room with his shirt open, Hiiragi wiped his stomach with a wad of napkins. He didn’t expect to cum this much. Between classes and music practice, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d had time to take care of himself. His weekly sessions with Uenoyama were his only release. 

At the sound of the door opening, he turned around. “Did you forget somethi-” His words died in his throat as he came face to face with Shizusumi. Too surprised to cover himself, Hiiragi stood frozen, showing his weakness to the one person he didn’t want to see it. 

“Shizu,” he breathed, trying to keep his heart rate to a normal level. “What are you doing here? You’ve never come here before.” 

His eyes widened in horror as Shizu took in his exposed torso, from the hastily wiped cum to the fresh bite marks. Shizu looked equally horrified, before he clenched his jaw and looked away. By the time he turned back to Hiiragi, he had an unreadable expression on his face.

Not being able to read Shizu’s expressions was a new concept for Hiiragi. For almost fifteen years, he could perfectly understand what Shizu was trying to say by a simple nod of the head or a grunt. Then, it seemed to disappear overnight. It was like picking up your favorite childhood book and finding out the words were all in Russian.

“Tachibana-kun wanted me to come check on how your practice is going. We’ll be in the recording studio in less than a month. We need to make sure we’re prepared.” Shizusumi glanced around the room and snorted. “I can see you’ve been practicing hard.”

“I  _ have  _ been practicing-” Hiiragi burst out, but Shizusumi cut him off.

“Look at yourself,” Shizusumi glared at the other man. “You’re filthy.”

Hiiragi stepped back as if he’d been hit. A scarlet flush spread across his face, and his eyes welled up with tears. “Uuuuuu …” 

Shizusumi’s eyes widened, and he slapped a hand to his forehead. “Shit,” he muttered. 

Soon, Hiiragi’s tears turned into sobs. He clutched his shirt around him and hid his face with his hands. “D-don’t look at me like that,” he whimpered. “You have no right to! You didn’t want me anymore.”

Immediately, he was enveloped in a hug. Strong and steadfast, just like Shizu. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled into Hiiragi’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean it. You’re not filthy. I’m sorry.”

“”I just want you,” Hiiragi replied, sniffling. “If you would just say it, you know I’d …” His words were cut off by more sobs, but he knew Shizu already understood what he was trying to say.

Shizu didn’t say it. Just like Hiiragi expected. But he continued to hold him, and that was something, at least. 

Hiiragi glanced up at him. “Can we go to my place and talk? It’s not good to let this fester.” Seeing Shizusumi’s hesitation, he continued. “For the sake of the band, we all need to have good communication, right?” 

“Fine,” Shizusumi relented. “We can talk. But you’re showering first.”

Unable to contain it, Hiiragi’s face burst out in a smile. They hadn’t talked, not  _ really  _ talked, in months. 

Shizu must have really regretted what he said, because he let Hiiragi lean on him for the whole train ride home. His fingers even roamed through Hiiragi’s hair, a gesture that he had stopped when they broke up. 

When they got to Hiiragi’s apartment, HIiragi ran off to the shower while Shizusumi busied himself in the kitchen making tea. By the time Hiiragi got out, Shizu was sitting on the couch with two steaming cups of tea on the table in front of him. 

Hiiragi sat down right next to Shizu, ignoring all the space on the other side of the couch. Droplets of water from his hair fell down onto Shizu’s arm. “Hey!” Shizu exclaimed. “Dry your hair properly. Don’t drip it on me!” 

In response, Hiiragi shook his head like a dog, spraying water everywhere. Shizu pushed him down on the couch in protest, and the two of them dissolved into laughter. For a moment, they were transported back to high school, where instances like this were daily occurrences. Back then, they took it for granted that things would always be this easy between them. 

Hovering above him, Shizu leaned his face in a little. Hiiragi’s heart sped up in anticipation. But the moment passed, and Shizu turned away. Soon enough, both of them were back to sitting upright on the couch. 

“So … Uenoyama.”

Hiiragi sighed. “How much do you already know?” 

“I’ve had suspicions for a while,” Shizusumi admitted. “You were starting to act weird after your practice sessions together. Before I saw you today, I was about 90% sure. So I made up a flimsy excuse to see you so I could find out for sure.”

“Shizu … I’m sorry.”

Shizu rubbed his face. “I think you don’t need to apologize to me. You don’t owe me anything,” he said. Just then, his face flushed and he stared into his lap. “I say that, but … It’s one thing to be 90% sure, and another thing to see it.”

Taking in Shizu’s pained expression, Hiiragi’s heart constricted. At the same time, another small feeling was bubbling in his chest, akin to relief. “You still get jealous,” he said, realization dawning on him. 

“Well, yeah,” Shizu replied in the most matter-of-fact voice. “I can’t stand to think of other guys touching you.” He gave his ex-boyfriend a rueful smile. “I was so pissed off today. I even stopped by Mafuyu’s before I saw you. I told him about you and Uenoyama. Then I saw you and said horrible things. I’m sorry.”

Hiiragi gasped. “You told Mafuyu? Before you were even sure?” Shizu nodded. “He’s never going to forgive me,” Hiiragi whispered, eyes glued to the table.

Shizu patted his hand reassuringly. “That’s not true. Don’t get me wrong, he was pretty mad at you when I left. But I got the feeling he was more angry at himself. If you can talk to him properly, he will definitely forgive you soon.”

Accepting his comfort, Hiiragi leaned against Shizu and smiled. “Shizu, you don’t have to keep hurting yourself. Why don’t we just-”

“No.”

“But if you could …”

Shizu stood up abruptly, putting his head in his hands. “How many times are we going to have the same conversation?” he demanded. “It’s over! Just accept it already!”

“You’re really going to throw away everything because of a few rumours?” Hiiragi asked tonelessly, staring straight through Shizu.

“A few rumours? It’s your future! Your dreams! The future of our band! You’re the one who risks throwing away everything if you stay with me. Why can’t you see that?” Shizu cried out in frustration. 

“We can find a way to deal with it, just like before! I don’t understand why you won’t even give it a chance,” Hiiragi argued. He could feel the sniffles start at the back of his throat, and he struggled to push them down. 

“Hiiragi,” Shizu started. Hiiragi could tell he was trying to maintain control of his speech. “Our second album will be coming out by the end of the year, if all goes well. By the looks of it, this album has a good chance of being incredibly successful. It has the power to change our lives overnight. Do you understand? If this album is successful, we might start getting recognized in the streets. Our lives will be under a microscope. There will be even more rumours spread about us. Rumours that have the ability to destroy our careers in an instant.”

He held Hiiragi’s face in his hands. “Rumours have already started about us. If we give them any more fuel, your dreams could crumble underneath you. Do you want that?” Hiiragi was silent, tears falling down his cheeks. “You can’t date a band member, Hiiragi. With me, it’s a risk to even hug in public. You won’t be able to hold my hand or go on dates. Wouldn’t it be better to find somebody who you can do those kinds of things with?”

“No,” Hiiragi responded. “Because I lo-”

Shizu’s thumb caressed Hiiragi’s lips. “Don’t say it,” he whispered. “Don’t make this any harder than it already is.” 

Hiiragi looked up at him, wiping the tears away. “Then, for one last time, will you hold me? Until I fall asleep. Like you used to. After that, I’ll leave you alone and only treat you as a band member.”

Smiling gently, Shizu nodded. “Okay. If it’s the last time. And only until you fall asleep.”

* * *

Shizu couldn’t move. Hiiragi was snoring softly on his chest, his arm flung around Shizu’s torso. Hiiragi fell asleep an hour ago, which was when Shizu was supposed to leave. But if this was really the last time he would have Hiiragi in his arms, he thought he deserved at least another half hour. 

He glanced down and smirked at the innocence. They were both fully clothed and did nothing more than cuddle. When Shizu saw what Uenoyama did to Hiiragi, he wanted to reclaim that body for himself. He wanted to leave bite marks of his own. He wanted to defile him. 

But if he did, he would never be able to let go. 

Holding Hiiragi tighter, he remembered the rumours about them. Six months ago, their band was getting more shows than ever. They had been playing with their guitarist, Tachibana-kun, for almost two years, and they all had insane chemistry on stage. They were in the beginning stages of working on their second album. Things couldn’t have been going better for their musical careers. 

And in their private lives, Shizu could say the same. He was madly in love with Hiiragi, and after so long, he was finally able to express it. They talked about moving in together, and even looked at a few places. Shizu thought it would be great if they could stay like that forever. How naive. 

It all came crashing down one cloudy afternoon. They were caught embracing each other (for a little too long) by a fan who recognized them and snapped a picture. By that evening, the picture was circulating the internet. Hiiragi tried to pretend it didn’t bother him, but Shizu noticed how often he searched their names and looked at the comments. 

The comments were a huge blow to Hiiragi’s self worth.

_ Kashima Hiiragi is gay??? Gross. _

_ I thought he was serious about music, but I guess he just wants to fuck his drummer. _

_ No musicians are gonna work with them after this. Everybody knows you don’t date band members. Their career will be over soon. _

All Shizusumi wanted was to make all of Hiiragi’s dreams come true. He was willing to do anything to achieve that goal.

How long had he been standing in the way of those dreams? 

The rumours circulated for a few days before their manager prepared a statement explaining that they were childhood friends and they were naturally comfortable around each other. “That’s the extent of their personal relationship,” he stated. After that, the rumours dissipated pretty quickly.

“You guys are lucky it was only a hug!” their manager chastised. “I was able to smooth it over this time, but it would be a good idea if you don’t appear in public together for a while.”

Hiiragi’s burden was lifted, and he was able to laugh freely again. He was ready to go back to the way things were.

But for Shizu, their manager’s words felt like a knife in his stomach. He had almost ruined everything for Hiiragi. Everything Hiiragi had worked for was almost lost because of him. He could never let that happen again.

Back in Hiiragi’s bed, Shizu rubbed his eyes. He could hardly keep them open anymore. Glancing at the clock, he started in alarm. It was already 4:30 AM. If he didn’t leave now, he was never going to.

With a kiss to Hiiragi’s forehead, he was out the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Hiiragi. This wasn't a good chapter for him. When I thought about possible reasons Shizu would break up with him, this is the one that made the most sense to me. This situation was partly inspired by the Black or White manga by Sachimo. I would definitely recommend it!
> 
> I'm not exactly sure what the next chapter will be about. But it'll be lighter material than this, I swear!


	4. Chapter 4

Ritsuka waited at the station, checking his phone. Mafuyu should be here at any moment. He was a bit nervous seeing Mafuyu. How long ago was it since they had been alone together? 

If things went poorly, he supposed he could always blame Haruki. Haruki invited both of them over to dinner, which was an incredibly rare occurrence. He suggested Ritsuka meet Mafuyu at the station so they could walk there together. It made too much sense to refuse, so Ritsuka agreed.

A text came in. _I’m here. Just got off the train._

He looked up. After the crowd dispersed, he saw Mafuyu. He was glancing all around him, looking lost. He had headphones on, and he didn’t look like he was paying much attention to the people around him. Ritsuka couldn’t help but snicker to himself. He was still the same old Mafuyu he knew. 

Once Mafuyu saw him, his face lit up. He bounded over to ritsuka and grinned. “Uenoyama-kun! There you are! I couldn’t see you anywhere!”

“I noticed,” Ritsuka grinned. He gestured to Mafuyu’s headphones. “What are you listening to?”

Mafuyu took off his headphones and smiled. “Oh. It’s actually Murata-san’s new work! It’s really good!”

Ritsuka snickered again, trying to hide it with his sleeve. “What’s so funny?” Mafuyu demanded, putting his hand on his hip.

“Nothing,” Ritsuka responded, still trying not to laugh. “It’s just … That’s not something most 20 year olds would listen to.”

“What do you mean? He’s famous all over the university! Everybody knows him! And Kaji-san plays the violin too. You think he’s cool!” Mafuyu looked so indignant, Ritsuka could only laugh harder.

“Kaji is Kaji. Your coolness can never reach his,” Ritsuka replied. Mafuyu huffed, but he could see a tiny smile at the corner of his mouth. 

There was no reason to be nervous after all, Ritsuka realized. Soon enough, he was telling Mafuyu all about his classes at university and his musical endeavours. They hadn’t talked properly in at least a year, he thought to himself. Probably longer. But if given the right provocation, they could fall right into step like they used to.

“So what’s going on with you?” Ritsuka asked. “How are your classes going? Do you still have time to play music?”

“My classes are actually really fun this semester! Am I crazy for saying I’m starting to enjoy writing papers?” They laughed, before Mafuyu continued. “I play sometimes. Not as much as I used to. Even when I find the time, it’s hard to get people together to play with.”

Pausing, Mafuyu stole a sideways glance at Ritsuka. He seemed to be heavily considering something. “I fought with Hiiragi,” he admitted, turning his face away. 

“Oh?” Ritsuka asked, trying his hardest to sound nonchalant. Inside, there was an odd squeezing in his stomach and his brain was in panic mode. Of course Mafuyu would find out. He had been preparing for this conversation ever since he saw Shizusumi. 

How funny: all that preparation, and he still had no idea what to say.

“Yeah. It turns out he’s sleeping with one of my exes,” Mafuyu said, grinning wryly. He made eye contact with Ritsuka again, his eyes searching Ritsuka’s soul for answers. 

Ritsuka blushed, turning away from Mafuyu’s intense gaze. “Ah. Ummm … About that, you see …” 

He was interrupted by Mafuyu’s laughter. “It’s okay,” he said, smiling. “I’m not upset with you, Uenoyama-kun. We broke up a long time ago. But Hiiragi is different. He really should know better. I can’t help but be angry at him.” 

Ritsuka gulped, his face feeling hot. Even if Mafuyu wasn’t blaming him, he felt responsible for the two childhood friends fighting. “I know this isn’t my place, but Hiiragi cares about you a lot. He would do just about anything to make things right. And no matter what you say, we’re both responsible. So if it’s possible, I hope you can forgive him.”

“Hmmm, we’ll see. I think I’ll let him suffer a bit more,” Mafuyu answered, grinning. “I only mentioned this to clear the air between us. We haven’t really talked for a while. I didn’t want things to be awkward.” Ritsuka let Mafuyu walk slightly ahead of him, studying his facial expressions. Sure enough, his smile disappeared when he was turned away from Ritsuka. His brows creased and his lips were pursed in a thin line. 

Watching him, Ritsuka wondered if maybe he was jealous. Or maybe he was merely angry at Hiiragi for breaking one of the sacred codes of friendship. Could it be a mixture of both? He shut his eyes in frustration. It didn’t matter what Mafuyu was thinking. He had his own life now, separate from Ritsuka’s. 

Just then, Mafuyu stopped in front of him. “Looks like we’re here!” he announced. “Wow, I haven’t been here in forever.”

Ritsuka looked up at the apartment building and took a deep breath, glad to have an interruption to his ruminations. 

* * *

Clasping his hands underneath his chin, Mafuyu was daydreaming. He was sitting at the kitchen table beside Uenoyama-kun while Haruki and Akihiko bustled around getting things set up for dinner. Ritsuka was engrossed in conversation with the older two, but Mafuyu was focused on Haruki. Or rather, Haruki’s happiness.

Haruki was putting the finishing touches on the curry while Akihiko set the table. He and Uenoyama-kun offered to help, but Haruki waved him off. But he supposed their help wasn’t really needed; from the beginning, Haruki and Akihiko worked together in perfect tandem. Where one faltered, the other picked up the slack. Mafuyu wondered if he would ever be able to have anything so _easy_.

Haruki’s hair was tied back in a ponytail, just like it always was back when he first met him. He let it grow out again. And he didn’t shy away from Akihiko touching it anymore. Mafuyu watched as Akihiko’s hand subtly brushed against Haruki’s ponytail as he walked by. Haruki, who used to get so flustered by that simple action, now smiled softly to himself, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. These observations served as evidence that he had healed (or was maybe still actively healing) from his past pain.

Mafuyu never found out exactly what happened that summer when Haruki cut his hair. But a year or so after, Haruki confided in him that Akihiko had hurt him badly. _“A hurt like that never completely goes away. But you just have to grow and become better, and learn to love again,”_ Haruki told him back then. _“But I guess I don’t need to tell you that,”_ he had said, laughing sheepishly.

Of course, Mafuyu understood the first part all too well. But even after years, he just kept fucking up the second part. 

If he thought about it objectively, he was a better person now than he was in high school. True to his word, he focused on himself after breaking up with Uenoyama-kun. He joined the painting club in university, something he never thought he’d be interested in. His paintings were hardly amazing, but they were his. And on summer break after the first year of university, he traveled to the U.S. by himself. Before he met Uenoyama-kun, he wouldn’t have had the courage to do something like that. 

When he returned, he brought souvenirs for everybody and shared pictures of his travels. But the memories he made were his alone. The only precious thing that was only his. 

Yes, he was better and stronger than he was before. But he still wasn’t able to fulfill all of Haruki’s requirements for overcoming pain. He hadn’t been able to learn to love again. He did love Uenoyama-kun after Yuki (honestly, that feeling never disappeared), and he probably did (or at least could) love the guy after, a guy he dated for about six months last year. But loving somebody and being completely engrossed in love were two different things. And he wouldn’t let himself succumb to the latter. Not after Yuki. 

While Haruki served dinner, Mafuyu looked over at Uenoyama-kun. If he knew how, he would have given all of himself to him. He would have let himself become completely engrossed in Uenoyama-kun’s love. A part of him thought someday he would learn how, and they could be together again.

How selfish of him for thinking that Uenoyama-kun would always be around, waiting until he was ready. The thing with Hiiragi was his karma, he was sure of it. 

Mafuyu’s inner monologue came to a close when Haruki cleared his throat. “I have an announcement to make,” he began, his eyes gleaming with excitement. “Or rather, a proposal.”

“Thanks, but aren’t you already taken?” Uenoyama-kun quipped. 

Haruki laughed, then he exchanged glances with Akihiko. They smiled at one another before turning to the other two. “Recently, I’ve helped film a few music videos with this band. They’ve really taken off. People in the industry have been saying they’re one of the top ten up-and-coming bands this year. And in just over two months, they’re going to play a show here. They already have bands they’re touring with. But for the show here, something came up with one of the bands, and they won’t be able to make it. And because I have a connection with this band, they asked me if I knew anybody …” Haruki trailed off, ready to burst with excitement.

Akihiko smirked at his boyfriend before taking over. “Long story short, the spot is ours if we want it. We can play as Given again one more time. And not to pressure you guys, but if you wanted to continue to do stuff with Given after, this gig should open up some doors.”

“It’ll be a lot of work,” Haruki said. “If we want to do this, we’ll have to book a practice room sometime this week. Practicing once a week is cutting it pretty close, considering how long it’s been since we’ve all played together. Ideally, we should practice two to three times a week. I know it’s a lot to ask, considering you guys have school and Aki and I have work.” 

Uenoyama blew on his curry and held the spoon to his mouth. After hovering the spoon in the air for a few seconds, he put it down. He was clearly considering this properly. “So we would have to work our asses off for two months in order to play a single show?” he asked. 

Haruki glanced down. “Well … yeah. Aki and I thought about doing something by ourselves, getting some new guys together, but it didn’t feel right. Nothing can replace that magic the four of us had together.” 

Uenoyama picked up the spoon again, hovered it in front of his mouth, and put it down. And repeated these actions a few more times, without saying a word. Finally, he turned to Haruki and Akihiko with a huge grin on his face. “I’m in!”

Suddenly, three pairs of eyes were on Mafuyu. Avoiding their stares, Mafuyu played with his food. It was supposed to be an offer, but with their expectations of him, it felt more like an ambush. He never stopped playing music, but the last time he was on stage was with Given. And that was years ago. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to carry that guitar in front of the world again. 

Yuki’s guitar acted as the key to unlock Mafuyu’s cage and set him free to fly. It allowed him so many opportunities he had been closed off from before. Before learning guitar and joining Given, Mafuyu had no idea he had the ability to shape words to convey such incredible emotions. And through the language of music, he was able to connect with so many people. The past Mafuyu, who was afraid to speak, could never have achieved that.

But other times, the guitar strap tightened like a chain around his body. Some days, the sheer weight of it was too much to move. Mafuyu feared getting crushed under it one day. During these times, he was acutely aware of the burden Saeko (and Yuki) had made him carry.

He would keep going around in circles if he thought like that. They were waiting on an answer. And Mafuyu realized he already had one. He had a strong, insistent feeling that he would never be able to move on if he didn’t do this. 

Even if he wasn’t able to love Uenoyama-kun completely, maybe he was able to love music completely. Let it consume him. 

And it would serve as one more stitch to close the gaping wound in his chest. 

He turned to the group and smiled. “Let’s do it!” 

* * *

Once the younger guys had gone home, Haruki and Akihiko busied themselves in the kitchen. Haruki washed the dishes and Akihiko dried them. Haruki hummed a little tune to himself as he worked, a smile on his face. “I can’t believe we’re going to play as Given again,” he confessed. 

Akihiko walked behind his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around him. He gently lifted Haruki’s ponytail off his neck and kissed the skin softly. His lips lingered, and he felt the skin get hot. Of course, Haruki was blushing. He smiled. “But …” he prodded. He knew Haruki too well by this point.

“But, I _am_ worried …”

“About those two dumbasses? How they can barely communicate with each other these days? And how we’re supposed to work together with them?” Akihiko sighed. “I am too. But they both seemed really excited to play all together again. And they’re bound to be more mature now, right? They won’t let their personal lives get in the way of the music.” _Not like last time_ , he almost added. 

Haruki leaned back against Akihiko, sighing too. “I hope so. But didn’t Uecchi seem different today? Not just today, but lately. He seems … lighter, somehow.”

“I felt it too,” Akihiko replied. “Maybe everything will be okay after all.” He was done talking about the younger guys, though. He pulled Haruki to his body and started roaming his hands under Haruki’s shirt. “Bath?” he whispered huskily into his ear. 

Haruki let out a small moan. “I wanted to discuss what songs we want to do for the show. We don’t have much time, you know.”

“Fine,” Akihiko relented. “We’ll discuss the songs, and then bath?”

Biting his lip, Haru nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

Neither of the men noticed that Mafuyu had come back into the apartment at some point during their conversation. 

Mafuyu was just planning to grab the jacket he forgot and head back out. But his ears perked up at Haruki and Akihiko’s conversation. He flushed when he heard they were concerned about him and Uenoyama keeping things professional. He was determined to prove them wrong on that one. But when Haruki mentioned that Uenoyama-kun seemed lighter, he processed it in his head. 

He noticed it too. Even when they met at the station that day, Uenoyama-kun seemed different. A few months ago, he didn’t think they could have gotten along so easily. Thinking about the timing, he thought about Hiiragi. If Hiiragi was even partly responsible for Uenoyama-kun being happier, wasn’t that a good thing? There was a pang in his chest, but he pushed it aside. He wasn’t going to run away anymore. From now on, he was going to face his problems head-on. 

When he left their apartment for the second time, he texted Shizu and Hiiragi a time and location for their next meet up. 

* * *

“It’ll never happen again, I swear,” Hiiragi promised, hanging his head. 

Mafuyu sighed, wishing that was true. “Yes, it will,” he answered simply. Hiiragi lifted his head in shock. “I’m not _okay_ with it, so don’t get the wrong idea. But if you continue with Uenoyama-kun, which you will, I won’t continue to hold it against you. I really hate saying this, but I think this is something you both need right now.”

Hiiragi stared in awe at his friend’s selflessness. But it wasn’t selflessness at all. A dark, hidden, filthy part of Mafuyu hoped that Hiiragi could continue bringing out the Uenoyama-kun that could smile and laugh around Mafuyu. And then maybe, Mafuyu could get him back. 

A less dark, less hidden part of Mafuyu was terrified of losing another friend. 

“I don’t forgive you yet,” Mafuyu muttered. “But a future where we don’t talk anymore … I don't want that.”

If Hiiragi replied honestly, he would start crying. So instead, he pulled out a notebook. “I jotted down some notes about the demo you sent me. First of all, the intro was weak. I think if you did this instead …”

As Hiiragi continued his critique, Mafuyu tried to hide his smile. If some things could remain normal, that was enough for him right now. 

* * *

Despite Mafuyu’s “blessing”, Hiiragi tried to stay away from temptation. He really did. For the next two weeks, he and Uenoyama practiced music only. They stayed strictly professional, just like they used to be. 

But on the third week, Uenoyama just got back from the most uncoordinated and combative practice session he’s ever had with Given, and he was ready to rip his hair out. And Hiiragi had spent ten hours with his band trying to perfect every song on their upcoming album, but they still couldn’t figure out what was missing from one song. 

When they were locked together in the same room, the tension collided. Before they even fully realized what was happening, Uenoyama had Hiiragi up against the wall, slamming into him. Hiiragi’s gasps followed every thrust, getting more and more frantic. As he reached his climax, Hiiragi closed his eyes and listened. 

Maybe his song was missing a crescendo, he thought hazily, before he came crashing over the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: This chapter is going to be light after all the drama and angst.
> 
> Also me: Let's write an entire section on how Mafuyu is scared to properly love again.
> 
> I hope this chapter was at least a little bit lighter! At least everybody is getting along for now. And my fave couple (Akiharu) finally got a bit of page time! And Ue and Mafuyu finally got to talk.


	5. Chapter 5

“Wow. We’re really doing this,” Hiiragi said in amazement. He and Shizusumi stood in the recording studio like kids in a candy store. It was their first day of recording. All the hundreds of hours of practice, all the shows they played, all the promotions they’ve done, all lead to this moment. This wasn’t their first album, but this new album was being handled by bigger producers and it was being promoted way more than the first one ever was.

Beside him, Shizu nodded, a small smile on his face. 

“Can you believe we’ve made it this far?” Hiiragi gazed around the studio in awe, running his finger over a record hanging on the wall. “I wonder what he would say if he knew.”

Shizu smiled a bit wider. “We've come a long way from three high school kids who couldn’t play our instruments for shit.” They stayed silent for a few minutes, taking in the room and what they accomplished. Then Shizu spoke again, in a low tone. “You know what I just realized? Tachibana-kun has been in this band for almost twice as long as Yuuki.” 

Hiiragi spun to face him in shock. “How is that possible? It’s only been …” He stopped, doing the math in his head. “Oh. I guess he has.” 

Loss is weird. Nine times out of ten, he was able to think about Yuuki and be just fine. He was able to laugh over stories of their youth, as if Yuuki was a dear friend from the past they had lost touch with. But once in a while, the smallest trigger would bring a wave of pain crashing into him.

Sometimes he would come across a funny picture or video and think,  _ I have to send this to Yuuki. He’ll love this _ . It was only when his finger hovered above the Send button that he would remember.  _ Oh _ .

He was pulled back to the present when he caught sight of Shizu’s phone case. It was the same case that was part of their band merchandise for their debut. It was also the same case that Hiiragi had changed to the day before. Shizu caught his look and grinned. “I wanted to get in the right headspace, and I found this lying around in my room.”

Hiiragi pulled out his phone and laughed. “Great minds think alike, I guess.”

Shizusumi stood up and stretched. “Let’s put out an insane album. For Yuuki.”

Giving Shizu a determined look, Hiiragi nodded. “For Yuuki.”

* * *

Stepping out of the practice room, Ritsuka sighed with relief. Things were finally,  _ finally  _ coming together. With less than two weeks before the show, the four musicians were practicing both together and individually every spare moment they had. Today’s rehearsal was amazing. They connected on such an intense level he wasn’t sure they had ever reached before, not even during the height of Given’s success. He felt they finally earned themselves a break. Like usual, Haruki and Akihiko went outside to smoke. Mafuyu was still inside, probably trying to catch a quick nap.

Ritsuka leaned against the wall and scrolled through his phone. He found a picture of an angry cat and snickered. He sent the picture to Hiiragi and included a quick message:  _ This is you. _

It’s been almost a month since he last saw Hiiragi. Hiiragi was holed up in the recording studio for his band’s album, and Ritsuka was busy with Given. Things were … weird without him around. He’d gotten used to the natural way they bounced off of each other musically. And physically. But without musical or physical contact, they found themselves messaging each other when they got the chance.

More like a few times a week. Okay, almost every day. But Hiiragi was a fun distraction to the stresses of his regular life. And his stresses were only piling up as the show date loomed closer and closer. 

Heading back inside the music room, he found Mafuyu not asleep at all but practicing by himself. He sat on the floor, his guitar cradled in his lap. “You have to take a break sometime, you know,” he told the other man, taking a seat next to him.

Mafuyu shook his head. “It still doesn’t sound the way I want it to. If I keep playing around, I’m sure I’ll find it.”

“Sometimes you need a break to figure out what you’re missing,” Ritsuka replied offhandedly. He didn’t think much of it when he said it, but Mafuyu stopped plucking the strings of his guitar and stared into Ritsuka’s eyes. 

“Yeah,” Mafuyu said slowly. “Sometimes you do.” He broke their gaze and held his guitar out for Ritsuka. “Here. Why don’t you try it? Maybe you can figure out how to fix it.”

Ritsuka gingerly took the guitar from Mafuyu. “I don’t know your part all that well,” he said, running his fingers lightly along the strings.

“You know enough to get the gist of it. You’re an incredibly gifted guitarist.”

He played the general chords of Mafuyu’s part in the song. When he played the notes himself, he felt something was missing too. Humming softly, he tried out different tunes and chord combinations. The entire time, he felt Mafuyu’s unwavering gaze on him. Didn’t this situation feel a bit too intimate? He ducked his head a little to hide his reddening face.

After trying out a bunch of different combinations, he found the perfect fit. “I think I got it,” he told Mafuyu. “How does this sound?” When he played it, Mafuyu sat there transfixed. Ritsuka’s change added a completely different emotional element to the song. 

“It’s just what I was looking for,” Mafuyu whispered. His face broke out in a grin. “I knew you could do it, Uenoyama-kun!” 

They stared at one another for a few beats, grinning like idiots. Then, before Ritsuka could react, Mafuyu’s lips were on his.

For a second, he was too shocked to process what was happening. But Mafuyu was kissing him, so there wasn’t much he could do except kiss him back. He opened his mouth to allow Mafuyu access, and Mafuyu didn’t hesitate in sticking his tongue in. In the past, it was rare for him to be so forward. But then again, he supposed he had no idea what Mafuyu was like in that department now. 

Wanting more, he leaned in to touch Mafuyu, breathe in his scent. Before he could get close, though, he bumped against Mafuyu’s guitar. Of course, it was still between them. As he glanced down at it, his heart stopped. No. Not Mafuyu’s guitar. 

All of a sudden, he needed air. He needed to get as far away from this room as humanly possible. He broke away from Mafuyu and stood up abruptly, stepping backwards. “Uhhh … we should probably get back to practicing. The guys have been taking a long time, so I’m, uhhh, gonna go get them.”

Without a backwards glance, Ritsuka was out the door. He needed to find a way to calm down before he ran into the others. But his lips were burning. 

* * *

“Are you nervous, Ue?”

Ritsuka looked up at Haruki’s concerned face. Without even realizing he was doing it, he had been pacing the room and going over all the notes in his head for the millionth time. The venue was starting to fill up, a fact he tried to keep out of his head. Akihiko and Mafuyu were beside them, also working on their own parts. “A little,” he admitted. “It’s been so long since we’ve played together as Given. But I know we’re good, so we’ll be okay.”

“That’s the spirit!” Haruki grinned, giving him a thumbs up. He gestured to the entrance of the room. “Look, our loyal fans have come to give us their support.” 

Ritsuka saw Yayoi and Yatake from the other side of the room. He grinned at his sister, waving her over. Yayoi returned the grin at her little brother, ruffling his hair. “I’m so excited to see you perform again! You’d better not disappoint me,” she said.

To her surprise, Ritsuka pulled her into a hug. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispered.

Yayoi smiled softly and patted his back. “Me too,” she replied. When she parted from her brother, she greeted Haruki and Akihiko. From their brief conversation, it was obvious the four of them hung out a lot. Once she finished giving her support to her friends, her eyes landed on Mafuyu. As if on instinct, they narrowed in disdain. “Oh. You’re still in the band,” she addressed him flatly.

Mafuyu shrunk under her gaze. Haruki pulled her aside. “Come on, don’t be like that. Mafuyu’s a great guy. You should give him support as well!” 

“Give him support?” Yayoi hissed. “He broke my little brother’s heart!  _ You  _ saw him-” 

“Yayoi!” Ritsuka shouted. His face turned crimson. Even though she was trying to whisper, Mafuyu was right there and it was obvious he heard everything. When she whirled around on him, he managed to keep his voice calm. “Thanks for coming, you guys. We really appreciate it. But we should probably take the time to go over everything once again. We go on in a half hour.”

But as soon as they left, they received two new visitors. Ritsuka’s eyes widened when he saw Hiiragi and Shizusumi. The words “You’re back!” almost slipped off his tongue, but he bit them back just in time. They were heading for Mafuyu anyway. Obviously. 

Mafuyu’s face lit up, and he scuttled towards them. They gave their words of encouragement to their childhood friend. “You better not suck out there,” Hiiragi said, giving Mafuyu an affectionate smirk. 

“That’s rich coming from a sellout vocalist,” Ritsuka interjected. 

“We create music that a lot of people like. Are you implying that you write songs that nobody listens to?” Hiiragi countered. 

“I write songs that have a deep impact on people’s hearts. Unlike you.”

Hiiragi stuck out his tongue at him. “Whatever. We’re here to see Mafuyu, not you.”

During their bickering, they failed to notice the uncomfortable glances Mafuyu and Shizusumi exchanged. 

Once the four of them were alone again, Akihiko began pacing the same area Ritsuka paced earlier. He kept fidgeting, and wouldn’t make eye contact with the others. Haruki touched his shoulder and asked if he was okay, but he shrugged him off. “I’m fine. Actually, I’m gonna go to the washroom. Be right back.”

“What’s with him?” Haruki muttered. “He’s been like this for the past few days. No matter how many times I ask, he just keeps saying he’s fine.” 

“He’s probably just nervous about the show,” Ritsukia replied.

Haruki ran a hand through his ponytail and frowned. “Maybe. It’s not like him to be so nervous about performing, though.”

Ritsuka glanced over at Mafuyu, who was sitting on the floor facing away from them, clutching his guitar. He walked over and sat beside him. “How’s it going over here?”

Clutching his guitar tighter, Mafuyu let out a shaky breath. “I’m a little … nervous too. It’s been years since I was last on stage. I know we did well in rehearsal, but what if we don’t have it anymore? What if I don’t have it?”

Ritsuka smiled and brushed Mafuyu’s hair out of his eyes. “We’ve heard it in rehearsal. You definitely still have it. Even more than before, I think. And if you get scared, or you start to doubt yourself, I’ll always be here to fix the strings on your guitar,” he told him with a soft smile, covering Mafuyu’s hand with his own. 

Mafuyu gazed at him with wide eyes, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink. Then he smiled and leaned in closer.

“Thank you, Uenoyama-kun,” he whispered. 

Before he had the chance to say anything else, one of the staff members entered the room. “You’re on in five,” he told them. 

Akihiko, who had just returned, clapped Ritsuka on the back as he walked by. His face looked a little green. “Let’s just get this over with.”

* * *

Their chemistry was insane. The four of them moved as one entity on the stage. Shizusumi watched them in astonishment. Despite the fact that they disbanded for two years, they had never performed better than this night. As one song flowed into the next, he found himself totally lost in the moment, in the sensations surrounding him. 

For the first time all night, Mafuyu addressed the crowd directly (Uenoyama was the one to introduce their band). “This next song is going to be our last one. It’s a new one, so we hope you enjoy it!” 

The second Uenoyama began his opening riff, Shizusumi was captivated. The instrumentals created a melancholic tone, but slowly introduced an almost hopeful edge. When Mafuyu opened his mouth to sing, Shizu let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

Mafuyu’s voice, beautiful as ever, was raw and honest. Fearless. He didn’t sing like that in the previous songs. 

As he watched Mafuyu pour his heart out to the crowd, Shizusumi couldn’t breathe. There was something special about Mafuyu’s vocals; he noticed it that first time they went to watch him perform. They overwhelmed all his senses until all he could hear was the thudding of his heart. 

The atmosphere in the room became so overwhelming, he felt dizzy. He wished he had a hand to hold to steady his trembling body. Naturally, he turned to the man beside him. His eyes widened, and his breath caught.

Hiiragi gazed up at the stage, his face spellbound with awe. The lights from the stage reflected in his eyes, which were shining with a passion so fierce it scared Shizu. When the music slowed and Mafuyu hit a low note, Hiiragi’s features shifted into something resembling wonder and longing. 

He was dazzling. 

Keeping his eyes locked on the stage, Hiiragi moved his hand toward Shizu's. When his fingers reached Shizu’s and lightly brushed against them, Shizu froze. He stared straight ahead at the stage. Hiiragi’s fingers lingered there for the longest moment of his life. Just when he finally made the decision to grab his hand, the fingers were gone. 

Shizusumi held his breath, terrified to face Hiiragi again. Now that the moment passed, he didn’t know how to take the chance again. But he knew he wanted to. 

By the time he chanced a glance at his best friend, Hiiragi was gone. Completely lost to the crowd. 

Given played the ending notes of their last song. Shizusumi tried to break through the crowd to chase after him, but the entire room erupted into clapping and cheering. The bodies around him moved in all different directions to get drinks or find their friends. Shizu had no idea where he went, so he helplessly pushed through the crowd in a desperate attempt to catch a glimpse of the familiar blond highlights. 

* * *

On stage, the members of Given were basking in the afterglow. Akihiko wiped the sweat from his brow, drumsticks still in his hands. Haruki calmly smiled down at his bass, before looking out into the crowd and grinning. Ritsuka grabbed the microphone, his face lit up in ecstasy. “And that was Given. Follow us on Twitter if you want to see more!” 

Caught up in the excitement, Mafuyu watched the others and laughed. His eyes settled on Ritsuka, and the corners of his eyes crinkled.  _ Did my voice reach you? _

He bared the rawest, most delicate parts of himself in this song. His love song. At first glance, it didn’t resemble a love song. It consisted of too much pain and desperation, and not enough closure, to be considered one in the traditional sense. Mafuyu didn’t start writing it as a love song, and he didn’t consider it as such until that moment in the practice room with Uenoyama-kun. But after that moment, he knew he subconsciously wrote it as a love song from the very beginning. He wanted to show Uenoyama-kun, in the best way he knew how, that he was done running. He was ready to show him the darkest corners of his soul. Step by step, he would learn to love Uenoyama-kun the way he deserved. 

The lyrics of the song resounded in his head. _ I’m here. Take me for everything I am. _

At that moment, Ritsuka looked back and made eye contact with Mafuyu. His face broke out into a warm, intimate smile. He gave Mafuyu a thumbs up.

Excitement and relief washed over Mafuyu’s body. His voice had definitely reached him. But just in case, Mafuyu would tell him properly backstage. He hid his face and giggled to himself in anticipation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are things beginning to calm down, or is it just the calm before the storm? 
> 
> Also, I've never teased so many ships at once. Feels weird.


	6. Chapter 6

Haruki was still buzzing from the incredible high of being up on stage again. As he left the stage through the back, he couldn’t wait to share his enthusiasm with his bandmates. But the second he was out of sight of the crowd, Akihiko grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him away. Despite his protests, Akihiko just hushed him and continued pulling him along. He took him down the narrow hall and into a dark, tiny room. 

The room consisted of a desk and chair that looked like they were abandoned sometime in the 80s, and a tiny shelf. Akihiko turned the lights on when they got there, but the bulb flickered ominously. Before Haruki could begin his complaints, Akihiko had him up against the wall and started kissing him with hunger. Haruki could feel the other man’s heartbeat against his chest, thudding hard and fast just like his own.

“You were so amazing up there,” Akihiko whispered softly. “It was so hard to keep my eyes off of you. “You’re like, the goddamn sun. You make everybody around you shine brighter.”

Haruki felt himself beginning to blush. It was rare that Akihiko was so vocal with his love. But when Haruki remembered the last week of being brushed off and ignored, he refused to give in so easily. “Oh, _now_ you’re paying attention to me,” he said, annoyance taking over his tone. “But you couldn’t be bothered for the past week-” He was cut off by Akihiko’s lips capturing his again. As the lips softly trailed down his neck, Haruki shivered. 

“I’m so lucky to have had these last three years with you,” Akihiko continued, looking into Haruki’s eyes. “You taught me so much about love and respect, and I’m still learning all the time. I want to stay by your side every day. Not just for now, but always.” Breaking the gaze, Akihiko started to flush. 

Haruki stood silently, his mind still processing what Akihiko was saying. When he saw Akihiko touch the small silver chain around his neck, his eyes widened. Slowly, Akihiko pulled the chain out from under his shirt. Attached to the chain were two simple silver rings. 

“Yes!” Haruki shouted. His face was now as red as a tomato, but he was smiling so wide it was beginning to hurt. 

Akihiko turned to look at him in surprise, then started to laugh. It seemed as if the tension from the last few days melted off him. “I haven’t even asked you yet,” he replied. “Give me a minute, will you?”

Getting Haruki to wait patiently in a situation like this was like trying to get a golden retriever puppy to sit while dangling a steak in front of him. He watched as Akihiko tried to get the rings off the chain, but his hands were trembling so bad that he kept fumbling with the clasp. After allowing him a few honest tries, Haruki rested his hands on top of Akihiko’s to steady them. Together, they undid the clasp. 

Akihiko presented one of the rings to Haruki. For a moment, he seemed to consider getting down on one knee. But after considering the state of the floor, he remained standing. His face was almost as red as Haruki’s when he began. “Haruki, I love you so much. Will you stay by my side for the rest of our lives? Will you still love me after decades of my violin and drum practice annoying the hell out of you?”

“Yes,” Haruki repeated, tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He laughed a little at Akihiko’s last question. “Of course I’ll still love you. Always.” Still trembling, Akihiko slid the ring on Haruki’s finger. His heartbeat thudding against his chest, Haruki swooped in to kiss his new fiance. 

As they kissed, Haruki thought back to the chain earlier that day. He first saw it when they were about to leave for the performance. 

_“Hey, is that new? I’ve never seen you wear it before,” Haruki asked, reaching for the new piece of jewelry on his boyfriend’s neck._

_Akihiko flinched. Touching the chain protectively, he turned on Haruki. “Don’t touch it!” he snapped._

_That, along with his previous behavior that week, left Haruki with a sour taste in his mouth. He vowed to get to the bottom of it after the performance._

“You were so mean about the chain earlier,” Haruki teased, stroking his fingers through Akihiko’s hair. “I was so confused why you were acting that way.”

“Shut up,” Akihiko grinned, kissing him again. “I didn’t want you to find out too soon. I wanted everything to be perfect.”

Haruki smiled softly and nuzzled against Aki’s chest. For most people, being proposed to in a small, dingy room with bad lighting was far from ideal. 

But being proposed to after an absolutely amazing show, where they were still high from the emotions, was a completely different matter. For Haruki, it was perfect.

* * *

“That was absolutely insane!” Ritsuka announced as they entered the backstage room they were in before their performance. He had his arm slung around Mafuyu, who was laughing along with him. “I wonder where the other two went,” he mused when he saw the empty room. “I thought they were in front of us.”

Mafuyu smiled to himself and played with his fingers. “Actually, I’m kind of glad it’s just us. There was something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Ritsuka turned to him, excitement beaming off of him. “You thought so too? It’s great that we’re on the same page!” 

Mafuyu’s face lit up. “Yes. On the last song-”

“We should definitely reunite as Given! Not just as a one-off, but for good. We’re too good together to let it go again,” Ritsuka announced. He was too caught in the moment to see Mafuyu’s confused, and slightly disappointed, face. “I’m so relieved you agree!” He began pacing the room again, but this time he was full of determination. “Last time, it was a struggle to get you to agree to anything. So, I figured, after a quick celebration with the guys, we can do a quick brainstorming session tonight. Then, sometime next week, we can solidify some of our ideas in practice. How does that sound?”

When he faced Mafuyu again, he faltered. Mafuyu bit his lip, looking overwhelmed with all the information. “Ummm … I’m not sure I want to do a full reunion with Given right now,” he said, unable to look Ritsuka in the eye. “I mean, this was amazing, and I want to do something like this again. But it’s a lot of work, and I have other commitments. Between school, the painting club, and my part time job, I think it would be too much to try to get Given up and running again. But maybe at some point, when the timing is right. Then, I’d love to,” he finished with a smile.

Listening to Mafuyu’s words, all the excitement drained from Ritsuka. Again with the timing excuse. The fucking timing was never right. Ritsuka grit his teeth. “If you really wanted to make it work, you could,” he retorted. “Isn’t this something you want too? The timing is never going to be good enough for you, so why don’t you just take a chance?”

“Of course I want it!” Mafuyu defended. “But we’re not in high school anymore. I need to think about my future. Right now, I’m not sure how big a part I want music to play in my future. ” Looking at Ritsuka's stormy expression, Mafuyu hastily continued. “I’m not saying no. I’m just saying not right now. Can you give me some time to think about it, at least? Then, maybe next semester-”

“That’s not how it works!” Ritsuka shouted. “You don’t just get endless chances in this industry. If we want Given to have a real chance, it has to be now. Now, when we’re back in the headlines. If we wait a semester, everybody will have already forgotten about us!” 

Mafuyu shrunk under his gaze. “Please, Uenoyama-kun. If you could just give me a few days to think this over, I’ll consider everything seriously. But right now … You just sprung this on me, and it’s all so soon. I just need some time,” he glanced at the other guitarist, his eyes begging with him. 

His words only made Ritsuka angrier. Clenching his fists, he recalled the day Mafuyu dumped him. _“I thought I was ready to have a future with you, but everything was just too soon.”_ Clearly nothing had changed for Mafuyu.

“You say you need more time, but aren’t you just running away?” he demanded. “From the very beginning, you’ve always been like this! You treat music like it’s an old toy you can just abandon and pick back up whenever you feel like it!” He paused his tirade to calm his breathing. He met Mafuyu’s eyes again, holding his gaze steady. Mafuyu looked back at him with confusion, fear, and something that looked like guilt plastered across his face. 

One more chance. He would try one more time to see if his feelings were returned. “Mafuyu,” he said calmly. “You’re either in or you’re out. If you’re in, give me your answer now. If you can’t give me an answer now, then I know you’re out.” 

Mafuyu’s cheeks reddened in anger. “That’s not fair! If I promise now, and then later I retract it, won’t that be so much worse? All I want is time to think about this properly! Why won’t you let me?”

Ritsuka only stared at him with a blank expression. His fists unclenched themselves and hung limply at his sides. “Guess I got my answer,” he stated simply. 

Just as Mafuyu was about to respond, Haruki and Akihiko burst in. “Guess what?” Haruki shouted in excitement. “We’re engaged!” He flashed his ring to the younger men, grinning wildly. It took him a few moments to notice the tense atmosphere in the room. 

Hearing the news, a stab of pain shot through Ritsuka. Was finding somebody to love only out of reach for him? He looked away for a second, trying to compose himself. When he turned around, his mask was on securely and he was grinning. “Congratulations! Bet you can’t wait to get home for celebration sex, huh?” he joked.

Haruki laughed. “Yeah, I can’t wait for that. But we can’t leave yet. There are other bands who we have to stay and watch. They gave us this opportunity, after all.” 

“Congratulations,” Mafuyu echoed, clapping them on the backs. As Ritsuka watched Mafuyu interact with the newly engaged couple, he felt like he was slowly being suffocated. He couldn’t be here right now. 

Once again, he laid out his heart for Mafuyu, and once again, he was rejected.

He pulled out his phone and messaged Hiiragi. _Want to get out of here?_

A reply came almost instantly. _Yeah. I’ll be waiting at the front doors._

“I have to go now. Something just came up,” he announced to the others. 

Haruki’s head shot up. “Uecchi, didn’t I just tell you we have to stay? There are other bands besides us, you know.”

“Can you make up an excuse for me? I really have to go.” Ritsuka put on his most pitiful, apologetic expression, knowing Haruki would give in. Sure enough, Haruki grunted his assent. 

Panicked, Mafuyu grabbed his arm. “Can we talk about this a bit more?” he asked in a hushed tone. “I don’t want to leave things like this.” He looked up at Ritsuka with pleading eyes. For a split second, Ritsuka almost gave in. But he’d already been hurt too much by those eyes. He just shook him off and walked to the door.

When he was about to turn the doorknob, he felt a pang of guilt. Two of his closest friends just got engaged, and he’d barely spoken to them before deciding to leave suddenly. He turned back to Haruki and Akihiko with a smile. 

“I really am happy for you guys. Why don’t we all go out for drinks tomorrow night and celebrate? My treat.”

Akihiko grinned and tousled his hair. “Sounds like a plan! Don’t get in too much trouble tonight, okay?”

Ritsuka could only smile in reply. He didn’t know if he could stick to that. 

* * *

It was a little while before Mafuyu could extract himself from Haruki and Akihiko with poorly built excuses of his own. He looked at his watch and cursed. Uenoyama-kun left ten minutes ago. He might already be too late.

How did their conversation go so wrong so fast? One moment, they were on top of the world from their performance, and the next they were arguing. He didn't even get to tell Uenoyama-kun that he was finally ready to be with him. Would he even get another chance?

Searching through the crowd, Mafuyu was glad it wasn’t too full yet. “Uenoyama-kun!” he called. Somebody up ahead whipped around. 

“Yes?” she asked. Mafuyu sighed. It wasn’t him, but his sister. Well, he was going to have to play nice if he wanted information. 

“Um, hi. Have you seen your brother since the performance?”

Yayoi thought for a second. “I have,” she admitted. “About ten minutes ago. He told me he was leaving. He left with some guy with blond highlights.” She gave him a sarcastic grin. “Hey, is that his new lover? I’d say it’s a trade up.”

Mafuyu’s heart dropped down to his chest. He left with Hiiragi? Why? “Thanks for the help,” he muttered.

“By the way, you played great up there!” Yayoi called after him. 

Ignoring her, Mafuyu continued walking. He didn’t even know where he was going now. If Uenoyama-kun was off with Hiiragi, he couldn’t exactly go after them. And he didn’t want to infect Haruki and Akihiko’s happiness with his misery. But there was one person who understood exactly what he was going through. He hoped he could find him.

Mafuyu ended up being the one who was found. “Shizu-chan!” he exclaimed with relief when the tall drummer stopped in front of him. 

“Have you seen Hiiragi?” Shizu asked without so much as a hello. 

Looking at Shizu’s expression, Mafuyu understood perfectly. It wasn’t the first time he saw that expression on somebody after singing. He saw it on Uenoyama-kun after their first performance together. And he saw it on Kaji-san after that summer show, when he decided to change his life. He could already hear the words without Shizu opening his mouth. _Your singing inspired me to love again_.

 _What useless words_ , Mafuyu thought bitterly. His singing couldn’t even inspire the one person he wanted to reach. And clearly they came too late to be of any use to his friend.

“Too late,” he shrugged, trying to hide how pissed he was. “He already left with Uenoyama-kun.” 

Shizu’s eyes widened. “With Uenoyama? Why?”

Mafuyu laughed harshly, a noise that sounded foregin coming from his mouth. “Do you really want to know the answer to that?” he asked. 

He watched as Shizu began to clench and unclench his fist. Shizu remained silent. Finally, he asked, “So what the hell do we do now?”

Mafuyu bit his thumbnail, looking around. He wanted to leave this place immediately. But they needed a distraction. The two of them commiserating alone would be too depressing. Finally, he found his answer. He saw the dark-haired violinist he had invited standing off to the side. Murata-san would help him.

“Come on, Shizu-chan,” Mafuyu pulled him along. “We’re going to visit a friend.”

* * *

“We put on an amazing show, didn’t we?” Ritsuka boasted, walking beside Hiiragi. The streetlights were beginning to turn on. “Were you jealous?”

Hiiragi snorted. “Jealous of that? Really? It was pretty good, don’t get me wrong. And you looked good up there. But your bassist kept making mistakes in the third song. The chorus was a mess.”

“What?” Ritsuka turned his head so hard, he almost got whiplash. “What the hell are you talking about? You don’t even know the song, so how can you possibly say he was making mistakes? He wasn’t making mistakes!”

“I play bass too, you know,” Hiiragi responded. “You can just tell those kinds of things. He kept hesitating, especially before the chorus. And the sound just didn’t flow right.”

Ritsuka stared at him incredulously for a moment. Then he burst out in laughter. “You’re so full of shit,” he said between gasps, deliberately knocking into Hiiragi. Hiiragi pushed him back, joining in the laughter.

Once they reached Hiiragi’s apartment, Ritsuka wasted no time in pouncing on the bassist. He hadn’t been able to touch him in a month, and he was desperate for his taste. His lips landed on Hiiragi’s, sucking Hiiragi’s bottom lip. When his tongue found Hiiragi’s, he explored it like it was the first time. They continued making out as they came down the hallway towards Hiiragi’s bedroom. By the time they reached the bedroom, their shirts were already off and Hiiragi’s pants were unzipped. 

They paused for a moment to stare at the bed. “I guess this is the first time we’ll do it on a bed. You better treasure me,” Hiiragi joked. 

“Okay,” Ritsuka responded, already breathless. From his tone, he appeared to have missed the joke. As Hiiragi went to lie back on the bed, Ritsuka hovered above him. He was hard as rock already, but he wanted to take his time. Slowly, he rubbed Hiiragi’s nipples until his breath hitched. “I missed this body,” he whispered. Then he bowed his head and took a nipple in his mouth, tongue swirling over the delicate flesh. He could hear a few whimpers escape Hiiragi, and Hiiragi grabbed a fistful of his hair. Grinning devilishly, he was inspired to go lower.

He received a surprised gasp from the other man. He waited a second for more protests, but when he didn’t get any, he dove in.

This was the first time he’d sucked Hiiragi’s dick. As he took the other man in his mouth, his pants felt incredibly tight. The noises Hiiragi was making were getting unbearable. It didn’t take long for Hiiragi to cum under the pressure of Ritsuka’s tongue. Hiiragi jolted and shuddered, grabbing Ritsuka’s hair tighter. Ropes of cum splattered all over his stomach. 

Ritsuka sat up to witness the mess he’d made. Under him, Hiiragi was clutching the sheets with his unoccupied hand. His face was flushed, and he was staring up at Ritsuka with pure lust. Ritsuka grinned and cupped Hiiragi’s cheek. “You’re so cute,” he teased.

Hiiragi blushed harder. Clearly Ritsuka didn’t realize he’d never said anything like that to Hiiragi before, either. 

Hiiragi flipped over and started to get in position, before Ritsuka stopped him. “No. I want to see your face,” he commanded.

“What is with you today?” Hiiragi asked. “Are you that pent up after not getting laid for a month?” But he did as he was told, lying on his back while Ritsuka got the lube out and began prepping him.

When Ritsuka entered him, Hiiragi held onto his back for dear life. They stayed in that embrace for the entire session, leaving kisses and bite marks on each other’s necks. Maybe it was just because he hadn’t gotten any in a month, but Ritsuka swore it never felt this good with Hiiragi before. 

_That can’t be it_ , he thought after he came. His thoughts were definitely getting muddled from the sex.

* * *

Rolling to the other side of the bed, Ritsuka glanced at the clock. It was almost 11 AM. He and Hiiragi had already gone for another round. He was deciding between going again or making breakfast (or getting Hiiragi to do it, since it’s his place and all). 

Beside him, Hiiragi sat up and rubbed his hair. “Damn, it’s that late already? Well, I guess I don’t have any plans today.” 

“Then get the hell out of bed and make me breakfast,” Ritsuka ordered, kicking him playfully. Hiiragi laughed and kicked him back. 

“Do it yourself if you want it so bad,” Hiiragi replied, not moving a muscle. 

Watching Hiiragi, a thought came to Ritsuka. “Hey, why were you already at the front door last night? The concert wasn’t over.”

Hiiragi shrugged. “It all just got too overwhelming for me. I needed a breather.” As Ritsuka waited for him to expand, he sighed and reluctantly went on. “While I was listening to Mafuyu’s song, I felt like I was surrounded by all this beauty. And at the moment, I wanted so much to be a part of it, but I just couldn’t. I was so inspired by the music, I even reached out for Shizu. But he wouldn’t.” Hiiragi let out a bitter laugh. “He wouldn’t even hold my hand in a crowded, dark room. I’m so fucking stupid for giving him my heart again and again. Only for him to return it unopened.”

While he talked, his face looked so lost and sad Ritsuka couldn’t help but want to erase all the sadness. He leaned in and gently gave him a kiss. For some strange reason, his heart skipped a beat. When he pulled away, he smiled softly. “I get that. Mafuyu’s never going to be ready for me. I should have figured that out two years ago, but here I am, still waiting.” 

Hiiragi chuckled softly. “At least we can be idiots together,” he replied. 

Ritsuka pushed the blankets aside and started getting up. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore, especially since he was afraid one of them would start crying. “I’m hungry, so I’m gonna go make us something. And no, you don’t get a choice. You’ll eat what I give you,” Ritsuka said threateningly, pointing at him. He leaned across the bed to give Hiiragi a kiss before he left for the kitchen.

It wasn’t until he was in the middle of cooking eggs that he realized what just happened. He kissed Hiiragi outside of sex. Twice. And his heart skipped a beat. 

He dropped an egg. When the egg splattered all over the floor, the realization hit him. 

_Oh shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timing, like karma, is a bitch. 
> 
> I've been super excited to get this chapter out to you guys, so I hope you enjoy it! I hope it has just the right balance of drama and sweetness I was aiming for.


	7. Chapter 7

Ever since he was old enough to remember, Ugetsu had always possessed a natural ability to read music. Not just sheet music, but he could individually separate the notes and categorize them as they were played. 

Everybody around him thought it was a gift. But when Ugetsu started primary school, he knew it was a trade. While he could understand the language of music as if he wrote it himself, he soon found he had no such capacity for understanding his peers. 

He didn’t understand how the boys would get in fights over something as meaningless as stealing markers. And he didn’t understand why the girls thought it was so fun to stand in the corner and whisper to each other about who they liked. And they liked to speak in riddles, saying one thing and expecting him to understand that they really meant another thing entirely (Ugetsu later learned to sharpen this tool to manipulate to his advantage).

As he grew up, he became so accustomed to hiding his true self that he believed everybody else was just as dishonest as him. So he stopped even trying to understand them. As long as he had his violin, he was fine. The one constant in his life.

But as he watched the two childhood friends in front of him switch between commiserating and reminiscing, laughing and sulking, he felt a piece of vulnerability they left unguarded. He used it as a translation book to try and decipher what their true thoughts were. Sure, he’d gotten to know Mafuyu more than most people, but the kid was more complicated than a labyrinth. He had a funny way of being unblinkingly honest, while tucking the key to his secrets just out of reach.

Still, Ugetsu was able to translate a fair amount that night, much to his surprise. And what he found made him realize their issues would take many more restless nights to even begin to resolve. 

Earlier that night, Mafuyu practically pulled him out of the venue and invited himself and his friend over. He wasn’t in the mood to have guests over, especially not when his place was a disaster. And he was actually looking forward to seeing the other bands perform. But when Mafuyu gave him such a pained expression, he reluctantly gave in. 

Mafuyu and his friend stopped by a convenience store to pick up beer. By this time, they were both several cans in. Ugetsu was still on his first. He hated the taste, so he took careful sips once in a while to appease Mafuyu. 

“Remember that time in third year middle school, when Yuuki stole that bottle from his mom and invited us all over when she was out?” Mafuyu asked, starting to laugh at the memory. 

Shizusumi laughed too. “That was the first time I ever really drank,” he replied. “That was such a fun night. We even tried to buy beer at the convenience store.”

“But obviously that didn’t work.”

“It’s because you and Hiiragi looked like you were still in first year. If it was just me and Yuuki, I bet we easily could’ve pulled it off,” Shizusumi replied. Laughing, Mafuyu shook his head in disagreement. 

Taking another drink from his beer, Mafuyu snorted. “And Hiiragi got so wasted. He had to stay over at Yuuki’s so his parents didn’t find out.” The two of them laughed again.

“Yuuki loved doing shit like that. He loved to create commotion,” Shizusumi said quietly. Mafuyu nodded, quiet all of a sudden too. 

Ugetsu didn’t know how he knew it, but from looking at their faces, he had a feeling there was another “Yuuki stealing alcohol” story that didn’t have a funny ending.

He knew of Yuuki, not as a person, but a partially formed idea. All Mafuyu ever really told him was that Yuuki was his childhood friend, they dated, and he died. The end. 

He wasn’t going to mention it, not when Mafuyu looked so lost, but he was pretty sure Mafuyu’s guardedness was a big reason for his problems tonight. Sighing, he got up to root around in the kitchen. If he was going to have to listen to these two idiots all night, he would need something stronger than beer. When he returned to the living room with a bottle and three glasses, they had clearly moved back to discussing their most pressing problem. 

“Damn Hiiragi. Does he even know what he’s doing?” Mafuyu groaned, draining the rest of his beer in one gulp. Ugestsu silently handed him a glass and the bottle, which he wasted no time in pouring. 

“Probably not,” Shizusumi muttered. “He’s such a pain in the ass,” he said, a small smile on his face.

After looking at the two of them for a moment, Ugetsu decided to say what had been on his mind from the start. “Why don’t you two just fuck and make it even? Seems like more fun than sitting here feeling sorry for yourselves.”

Mafuyu snapped his head up, staring at Ugetsu with wide eyes. For a moment, nobody spoke. Then, he broke out in a peal of laughter. 

“What kind of advice is that?” he burst out between giggles. “I come to a dear friend for advice and guidance, and that’s all you have to say?”

“Your first mistake was coming to me for advice,” Ugetsu snickered. “You’re asking a guy who just found out his ex is engaged, while he’s still single and miserable.”

Mafuyu was about to respond with, “Since when  _ aren’t  _ you miserable?” But then he put his head down. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “For letting it out like that.” As Mafuyu dragged Shizusumi and Ugetsu to Ugestsu’s place, he went on a long tirade about why his night sucked. Paying no attention to his audience, he casually mentioned how Haruki and Akihiko burst in with their happy news right when he was fighting with Uenoyama. He didn’t notice until several beats later how Ugetsu’s face had paled. 

In response, Ugestsu shrugged. “I would have probably found out eventually. It doesn’t really matter how, it’s still going to suck to hear it.” He thought back to his relationship with Aki. It was still painful even now to realize it was really over, but he knew it was the right thing. Their love and passion for one another always seemed to ignite and burn away the best parts of themselves. Ugetsu remembered the revolving door of emotions he went through after their final break up. Pain, sorrow, sadness, anger … And partially hidden, an emotion he couldn’t quite figure out. 

A few days (or was it weeks?) later, he identified it. It was relief. 

He glanced over Mafuyu and Shizusumi once again. Neither of them looked relieved. He saw a hint of relief in Mafuyu when he broke up with Uenoyama two years ago, even when the hurt was still fresh. Now he just looked regretful.

He sighed and put his glass down. “Look, you can either accept it’s over, or you can fight for what you want. If you really think there’s something still worth fighting for. But moping around isn’t going to bring them back. If you want another shot, change the things inside you that caused your relationships to fail. Yeah, it might already be too late. But are you just going to just give up like this without finding out what the other party feels?”

Before he could stop him, Mafuyu leaped across the floor and pulled him into a hug.  _ It must be the alcohol _ , he thought. “Thanks, Ugetsu. You really have changed so much in the past few years!” 

Once Mafuyu settled next to Shizusumi again, the drummer leaned in to whisper in his ear. His voice wasn’t as quiet as he thought, since Ugetsu could hear everything. “Are all your friends gay?”

* * *

Hiiragi flopped on his bed in exhaustion. He didn’t know how to process the events from the past 24 hours. Uenoyama had just left, leaving him all alone to his thoughts. And after what had transpired, he had no choice but to think things through.

If he was honest with himself, he started to develop feelings for Uenoyama while he was recording his album. He didn’t allow himself to think about what it could mean, because Shizu was right there. Well, he was physically present, but he wasn’t always  _ there  _ anymore. And sometimes, even if it was just a text or a funny picture, Uenoyama felt like he was there more than Shizu. 

He thought Uenoyama probably liked him too, but he doubted Uenoyama would ever be that honest with himself or Hiiragi. The Uenoyama of yesterday and today was a huge shock. He never could have imagined that he would be treated so gently by a guy like that. Thinking about it, he started to blush. 

But now that he was gone, reality started to sink in. As if on cue, he received a message in his group chat with Shizu and Mafuyu. It was a message from Shizu, saying he couldn’t make it to their biweekly hang out next week.

Shizu never cancelled. If he agreed to be somewhere, he would be there. Hiiragi’s heart sped up, and he started feeling anxious. Was this because of last night? A few minutes later, Mafuyu cancelled too, saying something had come up for him as well.

Since they started university, none of them had ever cancelled a biweekly hang out. It was their tradition. An emptiness spread through Hiiragi. He tossed his phone on the bed and turned away from it.

He’d always thought that as long as they had the band, he would be able to keep Shizu beside him in one form or another. But he just kept slipping further away. Just like Mafuyu. Knowing he was partly (okay, more than partly) to blame for that, he sighed and pulled the blanket over his head. 

How was he supposed to make things better?

* * *

Staring at the fizzing glass of beer in front of him, Mafuyu felt sick. More alcohol was the last thing he needed after last night. But he said he would be here, so he was here. He looked across the table at Haruki and Akihiko. Beside when were Yatake and Uenoyama’s sister. When Uenoyama arrived, there would be no place for him to sit except beside Mafuyu.  _ What a great start to the night _ , he thought.

He let out a groan, and Haruki looked at him in concern. “Are you okay? You look a little sick.” Mafuyu shrugged, and Haruki peered closer. Upon seeing his reddened eyes, he gasped. “Are you hungover? It’s not like you to drink so much.” He exchanged a worried glance with Akihiko. “Did you ever find Uecchi after he left yesterday?”

“I didn’t really find him. But apparently he left with Hiiragi, so whatever.” Mafuyu averted his gaze to avoid further scrutiny. He wished Haruki would change the subject. 

“Hiiragi as in your friend Hiiragi?” Akihiko asked. Mafuyu nodded numbly.

Haruki stroked his chin in thought. “But why would Uecchi leave with him? That doesn’t make sen-” A look of comprehension washed over his features, and his eyes widened. Beside him, Akihiko spit out some of his drink. They exchanged a panicked look as Mafuyu looked on in annoyance. 

“Well, tonight should be fun! I still can’t get over how crazy that show was. And the bands after us were phenomenal!” Akihiko exclaimed, taking another gulp of his beer. 

The abrupt change of subject did not go unnoticed by Mafuyu. He smiled to himself. If he could just get through this night, he would be more prepared to face Uenoyama-kun later on. But tonight, when everything was so new … He would just have to try his best to act normal. 

Uenoyama-kun arrived not long after. After looking for an escape, he sat down next to Mafuyu and they exchanged pleasantries. Mafuyu decided he could definitely get through tonight with minimal blunders.

Mafuyu noticed Uenoyama wouldn’t put his hood down, which Haruki and Akihiko teased him about. When the collar of his sweater slipped a bit, he understood why. Seeing the mark near his collarbone made Mafuyu want to be sick all over again.

Beer didn’t seem like such a bad idea after all.

* * *

He was doing this for Haruki and Akihiko, he repeated in his head. He just had to be here for an hour or two, then he could go home and forget this night ever happened. 

As much as he told himself that, Mafuyu’s presence beside him was nerve-wracking. Something about Mafuyu’s downcast look seemed to betray that he knew what Ritsuka was up to last night. A flash of guilt washed over him, and he gritted his teeth. Mafuyu was the one who rejected him, not the other way around. 

Ritsuka wished he was back at Hiiragi’s place. Being with Hiiragi meant he didn’t need to think about the world outside. For a few hours, he was able to forget that the world was still continuing on as usual, with the same problems he left there. When he was in Hiiragi’s place, it seemed like nothing else existed except for him and Hiiragi. And he was happy.

He only left Hiiragi’s place a few hours ago. Throughout the day, he was scared. But his feelings seemed a little less scary with Hiiragi. As they lounged around together, bickering as usual, Ritsuka had a hunch he wasn’t the only one feeling something. Hiiragi was touching him more casually, like leaning against him as they sat on the couch watching a movie. It was as if they had an unspoken agreement that they didn’t need to worry or try to define whatever this was as long as they were in that apartment. They could just be happy in each other’s company.

But now that he was back in the outside world, Ritsuka was reminded that he didn't get to be happy about these feelings. Mafuyu was hurting beside him, and he didn’t want that. A part of him wanted to pull Mafuyu in his arms and forgive him for everything. 

Since he couldn’t forgive Mafuyu or go back to Hiiragi’s, Ritsuka drank. On the outside, he was energetic and boisterous, telling the group stories of how Haruki and Akihiko used to act around each other when they first formed the band. On the inside, he tried his best to keep everything empty. He would do anything to stop thinking. 

At one point, Mafuyu put his hand on Ritsuka’s arm to tell him to slow down, but Ritsuka ignored him. He ignored how Mafuyu’s warmth lingered on his arm long after he let go, and he ordered another drink. 

After about an hour, he realized what an asshole he was being. No matter what he did, Mafuyu just seemed unhappy. And even though it was supposed to be their celebration, Haruki and Akihiko seemed to be distracted by the bad atmosphere surrounding him and Mafuyu. Ritsuka stood up abruptly, and had to catch the table before he staggered. The room was spinning. Or was he the one spinning?

“Just going to the washroom. Be right back,” Ritsuka mumbled, pushing the chair in with a clatter. He must have gone to the washroom at some point, but the next thing he knew, he was in the back alley near the dumpsters. And his thoughts were spinning as fast as his surroundings. 

He loved Mafuyu. Still. Maybe he always would. But his feelings for Hiiragi, whatever they were, were real too. As weird as it was, being around Hiiragi made him feel warm and strangely at peace. But sometimes being around Mafuyu felt like that too. 

All at once, his feelings seemed to be a betrayal of Mafuyu, Hiiragi, and himself. What did he want with Hiiragi? Did he still want something with Mafuyu?

It was too much to process. Before he could think any more, he threw up all over the pavement. He couldn’t help laughing quietly to himself. Could he really sink any lower?

Just then, he heard footsteps behind him. “Uenoyama-kun? There you are! I thought you were taking a while.” Ritsuka’s heart sank. Why,  _ why  _ did Mafuyu have to see him in such a pathetic state? He wiped his mouth with his sleeve before turning to face him.

“I’m fine. I’ll go back in a bit, so you should go back too,” he said. Mafuyu looked at him with uncertainty. He was carrying a water bottle and some napkins. 

“Well, take these. You should hydrate yourself,” Mafuyu told him, handing him the items he was carrying. He hesitated, taking in Ritsuka’s appearance. “I can stay with you and we can go back together, if you like.”

Ritsuka shielded his face from Mafuyu’s gaze. “I said I’m fine,” he snapped. “If you stay out here, you’ll get as filthy as I am.”

After hesitating, Mafuyu sighed and relented. “I’ll go get your sister. I hope you’re feeling better tomorrow.”

As he heard the footsteps retreat, Ritsuka spewed out more vomit. That’s right. He was filthy. The things he was feeling were filthy.  _ Something this filthy doesn’t deserve to be happy _ , he thought. His half conscious thoughts were interrupted by a soft hand on his head, stroking his hair gently.

“Let’s go home,” Yayoi whispered. Ritsuka closed his eyes. Home sounded nice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if not much happened this chapter. I thought all the characters just needed a bit of a breather to sort out their feelings after the hurricane that was last chapter. I'm planning on having two chapters after this, followed by an epilogue. The end is near! I'm in school now, so chapters might be a little delayed. But I'll try my best!


	8. Chapter 8

Taking a deep breath, Ritsuka leaned on the balcony railing and looked at the lights underneath. He understood the appeal; just for a moment, it felt like you were above the rest of the world. Beside him, Akihiko crushed his cigarette underneath his sandal. He kept giving Ritsuka furtive glances, waiting for him to spill. 

But he wasn’t here for that. He came with a bottle of champagne, as both a congratulations and an apology. The entire journey there, he built himself up to act happy for his friends. All he had to do was smile, laugh, make small talk, and not drink too much. How hard was that?

His plans were immediately put off course when he got there and found out Haruki wouldn’t be home for another two hours. So he found himself on the balcony with Akihiko, building himself up all over again to make small talk.

“I still haven’t said it properly, but I really am happy for you guys. You two look so happy together. I think you get happier every year,” Ritsuka told the older man, smiling warmly at the thought of them.

Akihiko grinned and ruffled his hair. “Thanks. As I recall, you weren’t too thrilled when we first got together.”

Ritsuka flushed. “That was years ago! And you didn’t exactly have the cleanest track record! I didn’t understand what Haruki saw in you then. But now, after watching you together, I get it. You guys just … match.”

Looking out at the view, Akihiko smiled. “I think most days that’s probably true. But some days we don’t match at all and we end up fighting over stupid shit. Before Haruki, I used to think fights had to be some huge ordeal. I thought the more intense they were, the more you love each other. But like everything else he does, Haruki fights kindly,” Akihiko told him, a small chuckle escaping his lips. 

“When I fought with Mafuyu, I feel like it was always over the same thing. I kept pushing, and he kept withholding a part of himself. Even after the show,” Ritsuka said quietly. It was the first time he admitted to fighting with Mafuyu that night. He could have sworn Akihiko’s ears perked up at the information, but Akihiko silently waited for him to continue. 

Slumping down on the railing, Ritsuka took a shaky breath. “But I think I really fucked up this time.” It came out as a whisper, sounding like a small child who had just been scolded. “I’ve been … hooking up with this guy for the last few months. I was fine when it was just sex, but … I think I’ve fallen for him. But I love Mafuyu too, and I don’t know what to do.”

Akihiko glanced at him. “With Mafuyu’s friend?” 

He seemed surprised when Ritsuka didn’t hesitate to answer. “Yeah,” he admitted. He refused to meet Akihiko’s gaze. “It feels dirty,” he said in a small voice. “These feelings are so dirty, but I can’t stop them.”

Akihiko put an am around him. “Your feelings aren't dirty. I mean, it would’ve probably been better if it wasn’t your ex’s friend, but it’s too late for that now. And obviously you’re going to develop feelings for somebody you’re sleeping with. You’ve still got that virgin mindset.” 

Ritsuka was too upset with his own thoughts to even notice the teasing. “I’m scared,” he admitted, looking at Akihiko with a pained expression. “I don’t want to have these feelings.” 

All of a sudden, he wondered if Mafuyu felt like this when he realized he had feelings for him. Was he hurting this bad?

“Were you scared when you first realized you liked Haruki?”

Akihiko lit another cigarette as he thought about it. “Yeah,” he replied. “I was. Because that’s when I knew things with my ex were over.”

Feeling like he was on the verge of tears, Ritsuka waited a couple of beats before speaking again. “So things with Mafuyu have to be over,” he concluded, swallowing hard. He broke away from Akihiko’s grip.

“No, that’s not what-”

But Ritsuka was already running with his thoughts. “I should be happy this can finally be over. All I ever did was love Mafuyu, and all he ever did was run away from me. Now I’m free, right?” He demanded, pressing the heels of the palms into his eyes. “Then … why? Why does it hurt so much?” 

He felt Akihiko grab both his shoulders to steady him, forcing him to look into his eyes. “Look, it doesn't have to be over. You decide if it’s over or not!” Akihiko shouted. Then he let go and went back to staring at the view. “Look, all that stuff about Mafuyu running all the time … I don’t even know if that’s true. It’s true that in the past he ran away a lot. But from what I’ve been noticing lately, you’re the one who’s been running.”

At Ritsuka’s incredulous look, Akihiko sighed and started counting on his fingers. “Let’s see, when we were practicing, Mafuyu would try to walk home with you or start deeper conversations. But more often than not, you would shrug him off. Then, of course there was the incident after the show. I saw him try to get you to stay longer to talk things out, but you refused to listen to him. And at our engagement celebration, Mafuyu went to get you when you drank too much. But you brushed him off again. I can keep going if you want.”

Ritsuka didn’t know how to respond to all that information. “I … don’t really believe that,” he muttered weakly. 

“You might find it hard to believe, but having feelings for two people at the same time isn’t some horrible thing. It’s pretty normal, actually. Haruki even had a little crush on this guy who worked at the convenience store near our old place,” he recalled, chuckling at the memory.

Ritsuka dug his nails into his palms. But Haruki wasn’t fucking and making breakfast for the guy at the convenience store. Haruki’s feelings were harmless. Ritsuka’s weren’t. 

His feelings were filthy. Disgusting.

The two of them passed a few minutes in silence. Just when Ritsuka thought Akihiko had given up, he started talking again. “You know, Uecchi, I think it’s fine whoever you choose. Or if you don’t choose anybody. As long as you’re happy.”

Caught off guard by the sudden sincerity, Ritsuka became flustered. “That sounds like something a parent would say,” he said.

Akihiko smiled. “I just don’t want you to feel all helpless over your own life. Whatever happens from this point forward, it’s up to you. Look, your feelings don’t control you. Feelings are just pretty words and shit. But love? Love is an action. You have to make things happen. You choose who you love, it’s not chosen for you!” 

But Akihiko’s impassioned speech didn’t seem to reach Ritsuka. He slid down the wall and sat on the concrete, looking at his feet. Akihiko waited for him to reply, but when he remained silent, Akihiko sighed and ruffled his hair again. 

“I’m gonna go back inside. Come join me when you’re ready,” he said. Ritsuka heard the door close.

Once Akihiko was completely out of sight from the balcony, Ritsuka pulled his hood over his head, covering as much of his face as he could. The sobs escaped from his chest before he could contain them.

He was exhausted. These feelings were exhausting. Loving Mafuyu was exhausting. He wished it would just stop. 

But what if the day came where he stopped loving Mafuyu? The thought was terrifying.

He wished he could run away to Hiiragi’s like he did before. But things between them had been weird since the day he stayed over. Neither of them seemed to know what to say. 

Ritsuka was lonely. He felt like his past self had completely disappeared, and he was left with a stranger. Once again, he thought of how Mafuyu must have felt before they started dating. Alone at school, not talking to his childhood friends. Meeting a new guy and falling for him. He must have felt like he was leaving his old life, and his first love, behind. Yuuki had no choice but to stay behind, and Mafuyu had no choice but to move forward. But it must have felt like such a betrayal. For the first time, Ritsuka felt a taste of the inexorable loneliness Mafuyu must have experienced back then. 

The sobs wracked his body even harder. His heart ached. He didn’t know whether he was crying for Mafuyu or himself. He just knew he was lonely and scared.

* * *

“Uecchi’s visiting today?” Haruki asked, shrugging off his jacket. Akihiko hung it up for him before replying.

“Yeah. He came over with champagne to celebrate.”

Haruki peeked through the window to see Ritsuka sitting on the balcony. “Celebrate? He looks like he’s in mourning.”

Akihiko shook his head. “The kid’s in bad shape. I’ve never seen him like this before, not even after Mafuyu dumped him. I gave him some amazing, heartfelt advice, but I don’t think he was ready to listen to it.”

Clucking his tongue, Haruki entered the kitchen. “It’ll be a late dinner, but I’ll make him something good. I don’t think he’s been eating proper meals recently.”

Akihiko smiled softly at his fiance and kissed his cheek. “You’re such a mother,” he teased. “Maybe he’ll be in the mood for champagne when dinner’s ready.”

* * *

When Ritsuka groggily trudged downstairs the next morning, Yayoi was in the kitchen making breakfast. She grinned when she saw him.

“Good morning! Don’t you feel better now?”

“Feel better?" Ritsuka asked, confused. 

“After crying,” Yayoi clarified.

He spluttered. “How do you know I cried? I didn’t cry!”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “Your face was all puffy last night when you came home. But it does feel better, doesn’t it?”

He had to admit, he did feel a bit better than before. He was still confused, but things seemed a little less hopeless now. But he wasn’t going to tell his sister that. He shrugged noncommittally, pouring himself some tea. 

Yayoi grinned. “See, crying is the best therapy. Boys are so stubborn to try it out, though. I don’t even know if you’ve had a proper cry in the last few years.”

Ritsuka glared at her. The truth was, he _hadn’t_ had a good cry in longer than he could remember. Maybe it cleared his head enough for him to come to a decision.

He didn’t come to a decision that day. Or the day after that. But a week later, he had his epiphany. All his feelings became clearer, and he felt like he could properly breathe again. At some point, his feelings of shame shifted into a sense of acceptance. He now understood that those things needed to happen in order for him to move forward. 

Akihiko’s words rang in his ears. Knowing he had his support with whatever decision he made was a huge load off his mind. He decided to take the path that stayed the most true to himself, no matter what.

Just after he texted Hiiragi to make sure their practice session was still booked, he received a text from Mafuyu. It was a link to an upcoming show by a few local bands. _Want to go with? It looks fun._ Even after things had gone so sour, Mafuyu still had the courage to reach out to him.

He smiled at the screen. He knew exactly what he was going to do.

* * *

As he walked into the practice room, Ritsuka smiled softly. He didn’t even bring his guitar this time. There would be no music practice today. He wanted to talk.

Hiiragi was already there, looking at something on his phone. As he approached him, he could see what it was: a picture of Hiiragi and Shizu, fooling around for the camera in happier days. He smiled again, with a bit of sadness and a bit of relief. This would be easy, then. Hiiragi wanted the same things he did.

He cleared his throat and Hiiragi jumped, spinning around to face him. “Do you want to go first or I should I?” he asked.

Hiiragi shrugged. “You can go ahead.”

“I’m going to try to work things out with Mafuyu,” he announced, looking Hiiragi in the eye. As he predicted, Hiiragi smiled at this. He didn’t look surprised. But the words still felt like a betrayal to Ritsuka. 

“That’s good then, isn’t it?” he replied amiably. “It’s good that you still have a chance. If I could, I’d probably try to get Shizu back too.”

“But I wanted to thank you too. I wouldn’t even be able to think this way if it wasn’t for you,” Ritsuka admitted, his face flushing. “I used to think what we were doing was filthy. I thought it was corrupting us. But it doesn’t feel like that anymore. Being around you helped open my mind. Even though we hurt people, I don’t regret whatever this was. It’s thanks to you that I can understand Mafuyu’s feelings a little more.”

Hiiragi looked taken aback, before he smirked. “So I’m just a tool to help you understand Mafuyu better?” he joked. Ritsuka could tell he wasn’t entirely joking, though. 

He spun Hiiragi around and hugged him from behind. “No,” he breathed into his ear. “You’re Hiiragi. You’re … important to me.” He could see Hiiragi’s ears turn red, and he smiled.

Neither of them made any move to get out of the embrace. Hiiragi laughed a little. “Could you imagine if we actually dated?” he asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah,” Ritsuka chuckled. “We’d argue all the time. If we tried to go on a movie date, we’d argue endlessly about what movie we want to see. Then, when we finally pick one, the movie will be over.” Hiiragi laughed too.

“And what if we tried to live together?” Hiiragi asked. “We would never agree on what color the walls should be. You’d probably paint them an ugly color just to piss me off.”

Ritsuka snorted. “Well, you’d probably insist on buying tacky ‘celebrity’ furniture. It wouldn’t match with my aesthetic at all.”

“We’d be a mess of a couple!” Hiiragi smirked, leaning his head back on Ritsuka.

“Yeah,” Ritsuka agreed, laughing. Then he grew serious and held Hiiragi tighter. “But we wouldn’t be unhappy,” he said quietly, with a trace of wistfulness. 

Hiiragi’s eyes widened in surprise. He turned around and pressed his lips to Ritsuka’s. Ritsuka tasted the eagerness, but he also tasted the finality of it. He returned the kiss, letting his fingers get lost in Hiiragi’s bleached hair. Their tongues roamed over one another sloppily. Hiiragi let out a little moan.

The sound of that moan was enough to make Ritsuka’s pants tight. With all the willpower he could muster, he broke off the kiss. “I should probably go now,” he said, breathing heavily. 

“Yeah. Me too,” Hiiragi replied, running a hand through his newly ruffled hair. He looked Ritsuka in the eye. “I don’t regret it either. I needed this just as much as you did.”

Ritsuka grinned. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to give you a thank you present.”

“Ooh, is it a new amp? Mine’s getting old.”

Before he left the room, he leaned in and gave Hiiragi a kiss. This time it was gentle and sweet. A pang of sadness hit Ritsuka. _I can’t believe this is the last time I’ll get to do this_ , he thought. Eventually, one of them pulled away. 

Hiiragi waved him off with a small grin. “See ya around,” he said. Maybe it was just the lighting, but he looked peaceful and lonely all at once. Ritsuka nodded at him with a smile of his own. Then he was out the door. 

He knew he made the right decision. For both of them. But it hurt. It hurt wanting to touch Hiiragi and not being able to anymore. It hurt knowing they wouldn’t be having their weekly practice sessions anymore, at least not for a while. 

At the same time, excitement was building up in his chest. He felt lighter than he had in a long time. He couldn’t wait to see Mafuyu. Of course, they wouldn’t be able to get together right away. Not with their history. But if they worked at it and communicated, Ritsuka was sure they would be able to build their happiness from the ground up. 

Thoughts of Hiiragi flitted back in his brain. In the end, neither of them could say those words. Not to each other. There was too much pride, too much guilt, too much everything to break through that barrier. But they felt it. And as fleeting as it may be, it was something that would always be theirs. 

It was still painful and scary to have feelings for two people at the same time. But from now on, Ritsuka was determined to face his feelings head on.

* * *

Hiiragi stood on the sidewalk, shivering and pulling his sleeves over his hands. He should have brought a heavier jacket. It wasn’t this cold during the day. He stared at the house in front of him and sighed. If he didn’t do it now, he was never going to. He had to tell him now.

He called the number and held the phone to his ear, waiting. Counting the rings. It went to voicemail. Considering the time, it wasn’t a surprise. But Hiiragi was resolved. He called again. And again. On the third time, the call was picked up.

“What’s going on?” The voice on the other end was muffled and disoriented, not yet willing to leave the land of slumber.

“I’m outside. Come out.”

There was a pause. “It’s 3:06 AM,” he replied eventually. 

“There’s something I have to say.” At the continued silence, Hiiragi’s voice broke in a bout of desperation. “Please.”

He heard a sigh. “You have five minutes,” the other man relented. He hung up, and Hiiragi was left in silence again. He waited, moving from one foot to the other in a vain attempt to keep warm. 

A few minutes later, the front door opened and he came out. Hiiragi smiled. He knew he would come. And because he knew that, he also knew they were going to be okay. “Hey.”

Mafuyu didn’t even bother to zip up his jacket, and the shoes he put on were completely unsuitable for the weather. And he still looked half asleep. But Hiiragi noticed he didn’t really look angry. Instead, he saw concern reflected in Mafuyu’s amber eyes. “What’s so urgent that you couldn’t wait until the morning?” he asked, yawning.

Hiiragi knew there was no point in wasting time. “I like someone new,” he burst out. Mafuyu’s sleepy face turned into one of surprise. “But I’m not gonna do anything about it. We talked, and we just want other people more. I still love Shizu.” He paused, looking Mafuyu in the eye. “But I had to say it, even if you don’t want to hear it. Because I do like him. I’m sorry, but I do. So I’m telling you, just like you told me.”

Mafuyu’s eyes began to fill with tears, but he didn’t let them fall. Hiiragi couldn’t decipher the multitude of expressions flashing over Mafuyu’s face, but he felt a strange tranquility between them. It was a feeling he didn’t think he’d felt with Mafuyu since before Yuuki’s death. The streetlight bathed them in yellow, as they stood on the sidewalk facing each other silently.

Gauging the atmosphere, Hiiragi decided to say the other thing he’d always wanted to say. The thing that was so obvious, so simple, yet somehow he could never get the words out. “Hey, Mafuyu. Yuuki’s death wasn’t your fault. I don’t think I ever told you that.”

A tear or two spilled over. “Thank you,” Mafuyu told him softly, a small smile on his pink tinged face. He grabbed Hiiragi’s hands and held them in his. Hiiragi didn’t dare breathe, in fear of ruining the moment. He stood still as Mafuyu’s warmth spread over his skin. 

He had an irresistible urge to cry. The weight sat on his chest and seemed to only get heavier the longer he tried to ignore it.

Mafuyu squeezed hands, then let go. He didn’t say another word, but he gave his friend a warm smile before retreating back to his house. Hiiragi could see that Mafuyu was holding back the urge to cry just as much as he was. 

_Maybe now you can finally forgive me._

Once Mafuyu was safely back in his house, the tears fell freely. Hiiragi felt like his life had just undergone a huge shift. Instinctively, his first thought was wanting to tell Shizu about it. He laughed to himself. _Like that would go over well_. But the night’s events had left him feeling hopeful, because he felt that maybe someday he would be able to tell him everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm a little nervous to post this chapter, because I know a lot of you wanted Ritsuragi to be endgame. But this is the vision I had for this story, and I hope you'll still read to the end. I hope I did them justice, at least. There will be more insight in the next chapter as to how Ritsuka came to peace with his feelings and made the decision he did. I really came to love them together as I wrote this story, and I ended up making their parting scene a lot more romantic than I originally planned it.
> 
> Also, a total of three characters cried this chapter. I didn't mean to make it so dramatic, but that's how it goes, I guess. 
> 
> P.S. The release of the extra stuff chapter made me so happy, because we finally got to see a glimpse (and only a glimpse) of how Akiharu behave together as a couple. But I'll take what I can get!


	9. Chapter 9

Backstage, Hiiragi waited for his bandmates to join him. Chugging his water bottle, he tried to figure out where both of them went so quickly. They literally just left the stage.

They just finished playing a small local show. After recording, they mostly played at small events like this, promoting their upcoming album. When it got closer to their album release, they’d be going on tour. He wondered if they would get their own hotel rooms this time. Last time they went on tour, the three of them shared a room. Poor Tachibana-kun was always getting kicked out when he and Shizu wanted to fuck. Hiiragi snickered at the memory.

He hoped they would have separate rooms this time. He didn’t think he could handle months of sharing the same space with Shizu without jumping him. 

The door opened. When Hiiragi looked up, he was greeted with a bouquet of flowers in his face. Behind the flowers was Shizu. “For you,” he said, offering the flowers to Hiiragi. “Good show tonight.”

Hiiragi took them gingerly. “Thanks,” he responded, looking up at Shizu quizzically. “Where did you get these? You were gone for less than five minutes.”

Shizu only smiled in response.

“Shizu, what are you doing? Where’s Tachibana-kun?” Hiiragi asked. They hadn’t really spent much time alone together since Given’s show. He didn’t know how much Shizu knew, but Mafuyu must have told him something. He seemed uncomfortable being around Hiiragi. 

But right now, he didn’t appear to be the least bit uncomfortable. “He’s outside. I wanted to spend some time alone with you,” Shizu replied, smirking. A flush spread across Hiiragi’s cheeks at the tone of his voice. 

“What are you saying all of a sudden?” Hiiragi spluttered.

“Do you want to go on a weekend trip with me?” Shizu showed him a site for hot springs in a small town about three hours away. “The town is pretty remote, so I doubt we’ll be recognized there. We can be a bit more affectionate while we’re out and about.”

Hiiragi stared at him, his jaw dropping. “ _ What _ ?” Shizu spent the past few weeks trying to avoid being left alone with him, and now he was trying to whisk him away for a romantic hot springs trip? 

In response, Shizu leaned in closer. “Go out with me,” he whispered. “It’ll be fun.”

As Shizu fixed him with that piercing gaze, Hiiragi almost forgot that this was the same person who broke his heart and refused to get back with him no matter what. Flushing fiercely, he felt his mouth beginning to form a yes.

“Uenoyama was right. This place looks pretty cool.” 

Hiiragi’s mouth snapped shut. What did Uenoyama have to do with this? Was this his idea? This time, his face burned for a different reason. He felt like a fool. He turned on Shizu with a snarl. “Did Uenoyama show you those hot springs?” Shizu nooded. 

Hiiragi clenched his fists. “I don’t know what he told you, but I don’t need him interfering on my behalf! Why are you even listening to what he has to say? I tried to get you back for months!  _ Months _ .” His voice cracked, and he felt tears well up. “But you wouldn’t budge, no matter what I said. And Uenoyama only needs to talk to you once, and suddenly you’re convinced to go out with me again?”

Before he could continue his tirade, Shizu cupped his face and stroked a few stray tears away. “You’re misunderstanding something,” he told Hiiragi. “Yes, Uenoyama recommended those hot springs to me. But I was already determined to get you back at that point.”

“You were?” Hiiragi looked up at him in shock.

“Yeah,” Shizu smiled. “The whole reason why I stayed away from you was so I didn’t interfere with your dreams anymore. You know that.” Hiiragi looked like he wanted to argue, but instead he nodded numbly. “But when I saw your reaction to Mafuyu’s song, I realized I was missing the point.” He reached for Hiiragi’s hand and interlaced their fingers.

“When you dreamed of a successful future, I was standing beside you, wasn’t I?”

Hiiragi averted his gaze, but kept his hand in Shizu’s. “Wasn’t that obvious from the start?” he burst out. “ _ God _ , you’re so-”

Shizu put a finger to his lips. “I’m sorry. If you still want me, I’ll make it up to you. After everything that’s happened, do you still see me by your side in the future?”

Unable to hold back the tears anymore, Hiiragi nodded, tears streaming down his face. “Yes,” he sniffled. Then he enveloped Shizu in a tight hug, crying into his chest. Instead of complaining about his shirt getting wet like he usually did, Shizu hugged him back just as tightly. He gently kissed the top of Hiiragi’s head.

“I love you,” Shizu whispered. 

Hiiragi resurfaced, his face splotchy. “I love you too, idiot!” Shizu leaned down to kiss him, and Hiiragi eagerly wrapped his arms around his neck. He deepened the kiss, breathing into Shizu. Shizu’s tongue, Shizu’s mouth, Shizu’s warm body all felt like home. 

Once they came up for air, Shizu kept his tight hold on Hiiragi. “This is your last chance to back out,” he said lightly. “Because I’m never letting you go again. Even if we get exposed and you end up unknown and destitute.”

Laughing, Hiiragi nuzzled against Shizu. “That definitely won’t happen! Because once we become huge, we’ll be able to make our relationship public. And nobody will be able to say shit, because we’ll be super powerful and influential!” The passion and determination was back in Hiiragi’s eyes.

Shizu grinned. “Okay,” he said, before kissing him again. “For now though, we have to play it safe. You should go home.”

“What?” Hiiragi squawked. “You’re sending me home after  _ this _ ?”

Shizu ruffled his hair. “Yes. Don’t pout. I’ll follow you in 15. We can discuss the hot springs trip in more detail.” He leaned in close to Hiiragi’s ear. “Don’t expect to get much sleep tonight,” he whispered, his hot breath tickling Hiiragi’s skin.

His face turning red, Hiiragi swung his bass over his shoulder and turned to leave. “Don’t be late!” he called over his shoulder. 

As he headed home alone, he understood that this is what dating Shizu would be like from now on. Even something as simple as walking home would have to be carefully coordinated to avoid suspicion. There were easier roads he could have chosen, roads where he could walk home together with the person he loved. But a road without Shizu was lonely and empty, and Hiiragi was done being lonely.

He hurried home, grinning like an idiot. Maybe he would have time to clean up a little before his boyfriend arrived.

* * *

Mafuyu watched the lovebirds across the table, a wry grin on his face. Although they were trying to be subtle, they couldn’t fool their childhood friend. Hiiragi kept stealing beef from Shizu’s ramen bowl, until Shizu got tired of it and shoved vegetables into his mouth. But Mafuyu could see they were laughing. And their bodies were physically closer, and Mafuyu noticed how they would brush against one another’s hand or arm when given the opportunity. It was this kind of behaviour that Mafuyu called them on a month ago. Hiiragi delivered the news much like he’d told Mafuyu about their breakup.

_ “We didn’t tell you? We’re back together!” He said, grinning stupidly.  _

He had to admit, their biweekly meetups were much more bearable now that Hiiragi and Shizu had reunited. Even though he was an official third wheel again, their happiness spread to him. And he had much fewer urges to punch Hiiragi these days. He thought back to the night where Hiiragi called him outside. After that talk, it was hard to stay mad at the guy.

That night, when Mafuyu had safely entered his bedroom and closed the door, he flopped on the bed and cried. There were too many feelings swirling around in his head, and it was overwhelming. But it felt like he was being cleansed. 

Logically, he knew Yuuki’s death wasn’t his fault. He knew there had been other things going on in Yuuki’s mind besides their fight. But the responsibility, the burden, stayed with him. When Hiiragi said those words to him, he felt a tiny bit of that burden being lifted. 

So really, all he could now was be honestly happy for his friends. 

He was taken out of his thoughts by Shizu calling his name. When he looked up, Shizu smiled at him and gestured to the empty spot where Hiiragi was sitting. “He went to the washroom. But I think he also might be secretly paying for me.”

Mafuyu grinned and leaned his elbows on the table. “How cute, you’re getting spoiled,” he teased. “You guys are so happy.”

Shizu grinned back, but then he uncomfortably averted his eyes. “Well, we are happy,” he said, hesitating. “But … Things are different than they were before, I guess. Some of it’s good. I think we’ve gotten better at communicating. But there’s this weird stuff too. He feels guilty sometimes for … well, you know. And I can’t help but act more possessive of him. It’s almost like I want to mark him as mine.” Shizu’s eyes widened and his face flushed when he realized he said the last part out loud. 

“So you’re bragging to me about how much sex you’re having?” Mafuyu asked with a deadpan expression. Shizu’s face turned a darker red. At his mortified expression, Mafuyu laughed. “Really though, I think it’s natural to feel that way. You’ve never really had anybody else besides Hiiragi, at least nobody who’s lasted longer than a night. And now he’s had other experiences. It will take some time to get used to. But I’m rooting for you guys, so you’d better not mess it up,” he told him, smiling warmly.

Finishing his ramen, Shizu leaned back in his chair. “That’s true. I guess it’s not something to get worried about.” He fixed Mafuyu with a serious expression. “How are things on your end?”

“More or less the same,” Mafuyu sighed. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together. This friends thing seems to be working. And after everything that’s happened, maybe it’s better if we just stay friends. I don’t really want that, though.” 

Shizu clucked his tongue sympathetically. “At least you guys are doing way better than you were a few months ago. You’re actually talking more and getting to know each other again after two years apart. That’s important. You shouldn’t rush it.” After contemplating the situation for a few moments, Shizu spoke again. “But then again, it’s better not to wait too long. If nothing changes soon, you should make a move.”

Before Mafuyu could ask for advice on how he should approach that, Hiiragi returned. “Don’t worry about dinner,” he told Shizu with a cute smile on his face. “Consider it payback for you paying for the pizza last night behind my back.”

Shizu grinned at him, looking like he wanted to devour him. Mafuyu groaned. “You guys make me sick,” he complained. But they didn’t miss the small smile on his face.

* * *

Being friends with Uenoyama-kun was fun. Back in high school their friendship period before they became lovers was so short. And they weren’t able to be friends after their breakup, until now. Mafuyu was really happy he got the opportunity to do this much, at least.

From the time when Mafuyu suddenly texted Uenoyama-kun to see a show together, they met up often. They would go and see shows, grab a bite to eat, and study together on campus. Sometimes they ended up talking for hours about everything they could think of. Other times, they spent their time in a relaxed silence, glancing at one another from above their laptops and sharing a small smile before returning to work. 

Their fight from before had been more or less resolved. The four of them got together and decided to keep Given as a side project. Once a week (or less, if they were particularly busy) they would get together to practice, and Haruki would arrange shows once in a while. Their Twitter page was moderately active. Besides show dates and locations, it didn’t have much important activity. Mafuyu enjoyed the more relaxed pace of the band. He was able to pursue music as well as his other hobbies and responsibilities. Even Uenoyama-kun seemed to be benefiting from the low-stress atmosphere. Of course, he was still short-tempered in the practice room. But he was more keen to pick his battles and let some things slide. 

No matter how close they were becoming, there were some lines they didn’t dare cross. They never talked about Hiiragi. And they didn’t touch one another unless it was absolutely necessary. Mafuyu ached for his touch, but he buried the desire. 

On one particularly sunny day in late fall, Uenoyama-kun suggested they go to Monato Mirai. Mafuyu’s heart rate sped up at the possible implication, but he shook it off. Uenoyama-kun had never even so much as hinted he wanted to get back together. If he rushed things now, he could lose him for good this time. 

When they arrived at the sea where they went all those years before, Mafuyu watched Uneoyama-kun’s breath rise like a cloud in the cold air. Without thinking about it, he puffed his own breath into the air. Uenoyama laughed when he saw what he was doing.

“I wish we went when it was warmer. I’m freezing,” Uenoyama said, crossing his arms while shivering. 

Mafuyu smiled as he stared out at the sea. “This is nice too,” he replied. “I like how the world is so still.”

Uneoyama glanced at Mafuyu and grinned. “That sounds like something you’d say. Hey, is it okay if we stay here for a while? I have some stuff to tell you.”

Despite his brain trying to keep him in check, Mafuyu’s heart hammered in his chest. Was he finally making a move? “Go ahead,” he breathed.

Taking a deep breath, Uenoyama stared out at the sea. “This is gonna be long. And no interruptions, okay? I’m only going to say this once,” he said, gripping the railing. Then he began speaking. 

“I've been in love with you this entire time.” Mafuyu’s eyes widened at this piece of information, but he did as he was told and stayed silent.

“I’m not telling you this as some grand romantic gesture. It fucking sucked. No matter what I did, I couldn’t make the feelings stop. You were my first, Mafuyu. My first everything. And I think that warped my perspective a little. I’ve never known how to love anybody else.” Uenoyama paused and continued staring out at the sea. A small, wry smile tugged at his lips. “I thought it was my punishment from the gods or something. It felt like some unchangeable fact that I would continue helplessly loving you, and watch on the sidelines as you moved on with your life.”

Mafuyu felt a stab of guilt. He wanted to look away from Uenoyama’s face, from that raw honesty, but he couldn’t. 

Just then, Uenoyama turned to Mafuyu and grinned. “That’s what I thought, but I was wrong. It doesn’t have to be you. I can fall in love with other people and be happy. When I finally realized that, it felt like I was freed. I could breathe again.”

The small burst of hope in Mafuyu’s chest shriveled and died. He felt his face get hot and he tore his gaze away from Uenoyama’s smile. Was that the reason why he dragged him all the way out here? To tell him he was in love with Hiiragi? _ Doesn’t he know Hiiragi is already back with Shizu-chan? _ Mafuyu thought. 

He didn’t think Uenoyama-kun would be so cruel to tell him here, the place where Mafuyu first confessed. Unless he had already forgotten about that. “Uenoyama-kun, I really don’t want to hear this …” he mumbled, hiding his face with his bangs. 

Uenoyama swiped the hair from Mafuyu’s face so that he was forced to look at him. “I’m not done yet,” he laughed. “Realizing I have a choice in who I love, in who I decide to pursue, was amazing. I don’t have to be tied to any person or feeling I don’t want.” Hearing these new words, Mafuyu attempted to put more distance between them. But Uenoyama grabbed his wrists and pulled him back. “That’s why I can finally tell you. I choose to love you!” 

Mafuyu blinked, rooted to the ground. The shriveled husk of hope in his chest let out a gasp and grew sprouts.

“I thought about it a lot. It might seem silly to you, but this is the thing that was holding me back from fully accepting your past with Yuuki. Back then, I didn’t really realize what I was getting myself into with you. I didn’t understand, and that caused me to build walls between us. Of course I still don’t understand exactly how you feel, because I’ve never gone through that experience. But I understand more than I did before, and if you let me, I can learn the rest.” He squeezed Mafuyu’s hands. “I know what I’m getting myself into this time, so I can choose you and not have any regrets.” 

As he gazed into Mafuyu’s eyes, Mafuyu felt the lingering question between them.  _ Do you choose me too? _

“I chose you while we were up on stage at the concert.” Mafuyu blushed. “I was completely engrossed in love,” he mumbled, seemingly to himself.

“What? When did you do that?”

“The last song was a love song for you,” Mafuyu said pointedly. “Didn’t you notice? It seems like something you would pick up on pretty easily.”

“A love song? It didn’t seem like a love song.” But as Uenoyama thought over the lyrics and the way Mafuyu sang them, he realized how obvious it was. Mafuyu was spilling the most vulnerable parts of himself, the parts he usually hid away.  _ When I face you again, I will show you the window that reveals these dark, broken thoughts.  _ How could he not have noticed?

As soon as he thought it, he already knew the answer. “ I didn’t want to know what it meant,” he admitted. “I wasn’t ready to hear it. I guess I didn’t want to believe you still felt that way about me. I was afraid of getting hurt again.”

“Are you still afraid?”

Uenoyama grinned. “Fucking terrified!” he announced. Mafuyu jumped at his honesty. “But loving you is worth the risk.”

Hearing his words, Mafuyu embraced him, wrapping his arms around his neck. He brought his lips to Uenoyama’s, kissing him softly. Uenoyama kissed him back, neither of them caring about the people who might see. He felt an animal instinct to pull those lips in with more hunger, but he held back. For now, there were still things he needed to say. 

He broke off the kiss gently and gazed into Uenoyama’s eyes. “It was painful breaking up with you. I hated not seeing you every day. I hated that we could no longer talk about mundane things. Being apart from you didn’t make me happy.” He grasped Uneoyama’s arms and gazed into his eyes. He knew his own eyes were shining with tears. “But I don't regret it. Because I never would have gotten the chance to fall in love with this Uenoyama-kun. You’re so strong, and you have more courage than anybody I know. You move more freely, like a weight in your heart has been lifted. And I’m finally the kind of man that can embrace your feelings. I love you, Uenoyama-kun.” 

Uenoyama swooped in and caught Mafuyu’s lips again. This time, they allowed themselves to be more greedy. Mafuyu nibbled on Uenoyama’s lower lip, hazily thinking back to Shizu’s words of marking him. When they pulled apart, Uenoyama grinned and stroked Mafuyu’s cheek.

“I was so caught up with all this stuff with Yuuki. I was always thinking, would you choose him over me if he was alive? How do your feelings for me stack up against your feelings for him?” Ritsuka’s smile took on a tone of sadness. “But worrying over such questions which are impossible to answer … It does nothing but hurt us both. I know that love isn’t something that can be measured so precisely. And I know the Mafuyu who I love so much couldn’t exist if he never met and fell in love with Yuuki.”

He pulled Mafuyu into a hug, breathing in the scent of his hair. “So it’s okay. All these impossible questions don’t need answers. From now on, in this life, choose me. Keep choosing me every day. If you promise me that, I’ll be so happy.”

Hugging him back, Mafuyu smiled against his jacket. “I promise. I’ll choose you every day, even when you’re yelling at me about not practicing.” 

He wanted to ask about Hiiragi then, about what Uenoyama-kun felt for him. But he had a feeling he already knew the answer. A part of him knew that if it wasn’t for Hiiragi, he probably would have never gotten back together with Uenoyama. So he decided not to ask, agreeing that impossible questions didn’t need answers.

Instead, he reached his hand out to Uenoyama. “Let’s go to my place and get out of the cold. My fingers feel numb already.” Without hesitation, Uenoyama placed his hand in his. Suddenly it didn’t feel so cold anymore.

* * *

Sitting on the bed with Mafuyu in his lap, Ritsuka gently parted his lips. Their kisses at the sea were filled with more raw passion, but now they had all the time in the world. He wanted to do this right. He gently sucked on Mafuyu’s tongue, playing with different techniques to get him to moan. After two years apart, he didn’t remember every trick he used to use. 

Mafuyu moaned into his mouth. Ritsuka took this as a sign to start removing his clothes. Eagerly, Mafuyu reached for his shirt and pulled it off, leaving kisses all over his chest. But Ritsuka unwrapped Mafuyu like a carefully decorated Christmas present, savoring every detail. Mafuyu struggled, clearly wanting him to hurry up. But Ritsuka was having too much fun.

He took his time licking, sucking, and fondling every piece of bare skin he uncovered. Mafuyu’s squirms became more intense. His moans grew louder with every touch. Ritsuka didn’t know how much longer he could hold out. His fingers pulsed inside Mafuyu until his words became undecipherable. Finally, Mafuyu grabbed his arm. Ritsuka looked down and saw a panting, flushed mess. Mafuyu’s eyes were glazed over, but he had a hint of impatience. “Enough. Put it in now,” he demanded.

“But I haven’t finished teasing you y-” Before he could finish his sentence, Mafuyu flipped him over. Straddling him, Mafuyu positioned himself. Ritsuka stared up at him, wide-eyed. 

“I’ll ride you, then.” He lowered himself on Ritsuka’s cock, slowly taking more and more of him in. Ritsuka gazed in awe at Mafuyu’s beautiful face. He pulled Mafuyu in to embrace him, thrusting into him. 

The sounds of Mafuyu’s moans filled his ears. “Ahhh, Ritsuka …”

When he came, he thought of all the days in the future where he would be able to hear Mafuyu call his name. He had never heard it uttered so lovingly before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the official ending! The epilogue will be posted sometime soon. For some reason, I was really struggling to write this chapter. It was hard to get my thoughts down, even though I knew what I wanted to write. I hope it still flows well.
> 
> I'm especially happy for Shizuragi! They remind me of my absolute favorite manga couple of all time (Chizu/Ryu), so I couldn't bear to keep them apart. I'm so excited to see how they get together in canon!


	10. Epilogue

_ Six Months Later _

Ritsuka held the napkin in his hand, thoughtfully reading the contents of it. Hiiragi had scribbled his band’s planned set list for the second leg of their tour on a napkin and handed it to him, grinning smugly. Rubbing his chin in concentration, Ritsuka eventually put the napkin down. “Are you sure you want to put that song in the third spot? It interrupts the flow. You should put it near the end instead.” 

Hiiragi’s smug grin quickly turned into a snarl. “Interrupts the flow? It adds impact! It wouldn’t be nearly as powerful if we moved it anywhere else!”

“Do you even know anything about putting on a musical performance?” Ritsuka snorted. “If you did, you would know that song makes no sense in the third spot.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. You’re obviously the expert, with all your released albums … Oh wait,” Hiiragi shot back. 

Ritsuka’s eyes narrowed. The sarcasm was uncalled for. He was only trying to help. “Fine. Have it your way. You're the ones who are gonna have to live with your mistake,” he replied flippantly. He tried to keep his voice calm, but the irritation showed plainly on his face. 

Hiiragi turned to Shizu, who was sitting beside him. “The set list is perfect the way it is! Right, Shizu?” Shizu just shrugged noncommittally, making Hiiragi groan.

As they continued to bicker, Shizu and Mafuyu made eye contact across the table, sharing a small smile. Some things were never going to change. 

“You're going back on tour starting next week, right?” Mafuyu asked. Shizu nodded. “Well, good luck. Even though you won’t need it,” Mafuyu said, smiling. He folded his hands under his chin and fixed his gaze on something in the corner of the room. “I might be a little lonely, though..”

Ritsuka leaned closer and pinched his cheek. “I’ll make sure you’re not lonely,” he said sweetly, gazing into Mafuyu’s eyes. Mafuyu’s cheeks tinged pink, before he turned to face his friends again.

“We’ll bring back souvenirs,” Shizu promised, grinning at him.

“Make sure you bring me something from every city you visit,” Mafuyu replied, giggling. 

Sitting in the middle of the restaurant, eating with the people he had such a complicated history with, Ritsuka realized he was actually enjoying himself. He didn’t think it was possible to ever be able to bicker with Hiiragi or flirt with Mafuyu again, but both things came so naturally. And things with Shizusumi, while not as good as before, weren’t as scary as he feared they would be. There was still an underlying awkwardness, but he could see Shizu was making an effort. He was glad he sought him out and suggested ways for him to get Hiiragi back. 

He thought back to a month ago, when Mafuyu first suggested he should join them for their biweekly hangouts. 

_ “Isn’t that kind of like a double date?” Ritsuka spluttered.  _

_ Mafuyu thought about it for a second and nodded. “Yeah, I guess,” he replied. “But it’s just a casual thing. It’s more of a friends atmosphere than a date atmosphere.” _

_ “But won’t it be awkward?” Ritsuka insisted. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to eat my ramen in peace with Shizusumi glaring at me across the table.” _

_ At his words, Mafuyu turned on him with a look of exasperation. “Ritsuka, if you think this is going to be hard on you, don’t you think it will be even harder on me and Shizu-chan?” _

_ Ritsuka swallowed hard. He didn’t have a good answer for that.  _

_ “But it’s not like I can keep you separate forever,” Mafuyu continued, waving his hand. He looked into Ritsuka’s eyes and smiled warmly. “I want you to know the most important things to me. My friends are dear to me. So please bear with it and let me show you my world.” _

_ Ritsuka kissed him tenderly, feeling like he was melting. If Mafuyu said things like that, there was no way he could refuse.  _

Back in the present, Hiiragi’s face turned serious. “You know, Saeko-san stopped by the other day. She congratulated us on our new album and wished us luck on the tour. She said she already bought three copies,” he told them, laughing a little at the last part. “We told her we’re bringing Yuuki on the tour. She smiled at us and said Yuuki always wanted to go to Kobe.” 

Mafuyu smiled and closed his eyes. “I’m sure he’ll love it there.”

“What a strong woman,” Shizu remarked, staring off into space. “I wonder if she feels any bitterness towards us.” 

Nobody responded. It seemed like it was another one of those questions which were impossible to answer. 

Not for the first time, Ritsuka suddenly wished he could have met Yuuki. Knowing that after all these years, his friends carried around his photograph to every city they toured, he knew Yuuki must have been an incredible person. He surprised himself when that thought passed and he didn’t feel any jealousy. 

Mafuyu interrupted his thoughts with a nudge. “Should we get going soon? We’ll be late for dinner if we don’t hurry.”

“Dinner? Oh, that’s why you two barely ate,” Hiiragi said, noticing the bowls which were three-quarters full.

“Yeah, we accidentally double-booked,” Mafuyu answered, laughing. “But Haruki works so hard to make something delicious when we come over, so we can’t let his efforts go to waste.”

Ritsuka checked his watch. “Actually, I think it’s fine if we’re a few minutes late. I don’t want a repeat of last week.”

Hiiragi and Shizu watched with curiosity as the other two grew pale. They looked like they were having war flashbacks. 

“You’re right,” Mafuyu mumbled, looking down. “I guess it’s okay if we’re a little late.”

After waiting a few moments for them to elaborate, Hiiragi slammed his hand down on the table. “Well?” he demanded.

“Umm, we came over a little early last week. About twenty minutes. The door was unlocked, and they were in the kitchen …” Ritsuka shuddered. “Clothes were everywhere. And the sounds … I hear them in my nightmares.” 

Hiiragi and Shizu exchanged a glance, then burst out laughing. 

“You wouldn't laugh if you saw what we had to see!” Ritsuka shouted.

Hiiragi waved his hand dismissively. “They’re engaged, aren’t they? That stuff is bound to happen.” 

Ritsuka huffed and crossed his arms. “Engaged or not, who the hell does that twenty minutes before they’re expecting guests? They should be ashamed.”

Listening to his self-righteous rant, Mafuyu giggled. He was pretty sure it wouldn’t take much convincing to put Ritsuka in the same position. Maybe he’d test it out later. “Come on, Ritsuka. We don’t want to be  _ too  _ late.”

* * *

Using one hand to stir the bubbling contents of the pot, Haruki used his other hand to hold open a wedding magazine. Most of the ideas didn’t suit his and Akihiko’s style at all, but some of the stuff was good inspiration. 

Just then, he felt a sudden weight on his shoulder. Akihiko rested his head on him, looking to see what he was reading. “That’s a nice veil,” he remarked at one of the pictures. “You gonna wear it? It’ll bring out your eyes.” 

Haruki hit him with the magazine, making him laugh. “Have you decided on a best man yet?” Haruki asked. He chose Take-chan as his best man immediately, but Aki had yet to come to a decision. 

“Hmmm, I’m trying to decide between the Uenoyamas,” he answered, stealing a piece of piece from the pot. “Yayoi would look more balanced with Yatake on your side, but Uecchi’s like my little brother. It’s a tough choice.”

“Choosing your ex as your ‘best man’ would be a little strange, wouldn’t it?” Haruki asked, giving him the side eye.

Akihiko shrugged. “Maybe. But I don’t think of her that way. She’s a good friend. She probably helped Yatake hate me less,” he said, grinning wryly. 

“Well, he doesn’t hate you anymore,” Haruki replied, kissing his cheek. “Just hurry up and choose already. I want to go shopping for tuxes soon. And a bridal shop too if you choose Yayoi as your best man. You know she’d rather die than wear a tux in public,” he said, chuckling at the image. 

Akihiko laughed too. “I can’t wait to see you in a tux. But you’d look pretty hot in a paper bag too. I don’t care what you wear, as long as you stand up there with me and become my husband,” he whispered in Haruki’s ear. Goosebumps shot up all over Haruki’s skin. 

He reached for the hand Haruki was using to stir the pot and covered it with his own, interlacing their fingers. Haruki smiled as he looked at their hands, adorned with matching silver rings. Well, not quite matching, Haruki’s name was engraved on the inside of his ring, and Akihiko’s name was engraved on his ring. A detail nobody else knew except for the two of them.

Haruki turned around and captured Akihiko’s lips in a soft kiss, full of longing. Aki wasted no time in deepening the kiss, roaming his hands over his fiance’s chest. When Aki started leaving kisses on his neck, Haruki reluctantly pulled away. “Not now. They’re going to arrive at any minute,” he panted.

Akihiko caught a look at the clock on the stove. “Those two are already ten minutes late. They’re usually on time,” he said.

“Have you already forgotten about last week?” Haruki asked dryly. “I think we might have scarred them for life.” He tried to look remorseful, but Akihiko caught the small, devious smirk at the corner of his mouth. 

He couldn’t help tasting that smirk one more time. When he pulled back, he smirked at Haruki’s pseudo-shocked expression. “Eh, they’ll get over it. You just looked so fucking hot in that apron,” he replied, grinning at the memory.

Haruki swatted him with the magazine again, but he was smiling. “I’m just happy we can invite them both for dinner. It’s fun and drama-free. For a long time, that seemed impossible.”

“Yeah, I’m glad they worked things out,” Akihiko replied, smiling too. “They’re good kids. I think they have a good future ahead of them.”

Before Haruki could respond, they heard timid knocking at the front door. “Come in!” he called. Ritsuka walked in first, Mafuyu hesitantly following him.

Ritsuka was covering his eyes, and Mafuyu gently guided his arm so he didn’t bump into anything. “You guys better be dressed!” he shouted. 

Haruki and Akihiko tried to suppress their laughter. “I assure you we are,” Haruki replied. “Now why don’t you uncover your eyes and help set the table?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this story is finished. It's been a wild ride! Back when I posted the first chapter, I didn't think it would get much attention. I didn't think the concept of Ritsuka and Hiiragi as fuck buddies would appeal to many people, but it was an idea that I wanted to write about regardless. To see so much support sent my way really means a lot to me. I want to send my deepest thank yous to everybody who read, gave kudos, and/or commented on this story. I wouldn't have been able to tell this story without you!
> 
> P.S. If you take a look at my stories, you'll see I'm all over the place with my fandoms. I like writing for lots of different things. But I really want to write more fics for Given. I'm trying to decide if I want to write Akiharu, Shizuragi, or Ritsuragi. But I definitely want to write something. Haha!

**Author's Note:**

> For some reason, this ideas just came to me and I had to write it. I'm not too sure where it's going yet, but stick with me. There will be a lot more Mafuyu in the next chapter, probably. I hope Ritsuka and Hiiragi don't come off too much as assholes. They're doing a shitty thing, but they're hurting a lot. 
> 
> I know most people call him Uenoyama, but it's too weird for me to use his last name while I use everybody else's first names.


End file.
